53 Funny Marriage Quotes That Are Just the Right Amount of Cheeky

These lighthearted sayings capture the joy that comes with "I do."
Funny marriage quotes - Couple laughs at a funny marriage advice
Photo: Lucas Ottone / Stocksy
Jamie Cuccinelli the knot writer and wedding expert
Jamie Cuccinelli
Jamie Cuccinelli the knot writer and wedding expert
Jamie Cuccinelli
Senior Editor, Sex & Relationships
  • Jamie is a Senior Editor for The Knot where she oversees all sex and relationship editorial content.
  • Before joining The Knot Worldwide, she worked with an array of digital publications that include Brides, The Zoe Report, Bustle and MyDomaine.
  • Jamie graduated with a degree in English and Media, Culture & Communications from New York University.
Updated May 14, 2024

There's so much joy that accompanies marrying the person you laugh the most with in life. And while there are plenty of weighty, thoughtful bits of marriage advice out there to reference, rest assured that there are also funny marriage quotes and funny marriage advice, too, that actually capture the levity and elation that comes with "I do."

After all, let's be real: A happy marriage is usually far from perfect, and married life (hello, spending every waking minute with the same person and somehow still loving them!) is often riddled with hilarious moments. Below, we've collected pieces of funny marriage advice and funny wedding quotes that just get that.

From relatable jokes from famous folks to marriage comedy dialogue from your favorite rom-coms, these funny wedding and marriage quotes are ideal for an anniversary card, wedding toasts (think: cheeky best man and bridesmaid toasts), party decor or simply texting your partner after a long day.

    Being able to find laughter when the waters get rough can help your relationship stay afloat, too—so you may find yourself referencing these amusing love quotes about marriage below throughout your partnership. Read on for 53 clever and funny marriage quotes and nuggets of witty advice.

    Funny marriage quotes in this article:

    Funny Wedding and Marriage Quotes From Movies, Books and Television

    From the silly 'lobster' reference in the hit TV Series, Friends, to the charming words by J.R.R. Tolkien in The Hobbit, here are some famous and funny lines on marriage spoken by some of our favorite characters.

    Funny Marriage Quotes - funny lines on marriage from the movie, Juno.
    Design: Natalie Romine
    • "The best thing you can do is find a person who loves you for exactly who you are: good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you. The right person is still going to think the sun shines out of your ass. That's the kind of person that's worth sticking with." —Juno
    • "The first draft of my vows, which I wrote the day after we got engaged, clocked in at around 70 pages." —Parks and Recreation
    • "Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up, she's there. You come back from work, she's there. You fall asleep, she's there. You eat dinner, she's there. You know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it's not." —Everybody Loves Raymond
    • "Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever."
      Knocked Up
    • "A wedding marks the first day of the rest of your life. You have been dead until now. Were you aware of that? You're dead right now. —Bride Wars
    • "If you're thinking of getting married, you might as well learn right now that you have to let women be women." —Hello, Dolly!
    • "She's your lobster. C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws." —Friends
    • "Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid, you don't deserve to be in love." —A Lot Like Love
    • "I love you. That's why I make you miserable."– Real Women Have Curves
    • "You know your voice is kind of nice when your mouth isn't screwing it up. Yeah and you looks are kind of pretty. When your face isn't screwing it up."—The Goonies
    • "I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure that I'm arranging, and it's very difficult to find anyone." —J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit
    Funny Marriage Quotes - funny lines on marriage from the Hunger Games
    Design: Natalie Romine
    • "Remember, we're madly in love, so it's alright to kiss me anytime you feel like it." —Suzanne Collins, The Hunger Games
    • "I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night." —When Harry Met Sally
    • "Webster's Dictionary defines wedding as 'the fusing of two metals with a hot torch.' Well, you know something? I think you guys are two medals. Gold medals." —The Office
    • "But the thing is this, after a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh." —Sex and the City
    • "I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is." —Forrest Gump
    • "When you love someone as much as I love you, getting married is the only thing left to do. So, will you, um, marry me?" —Definitely, Maybe
    • "If you're ever with a girl that's too good for you, marry her." —Valentine's Day
    • "I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It's a crazy thing to do. It's kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity."– Her

    Funny Quotes About Marriage From Notable Figures

    The words spoken by famous people sometimes really stick, especially when it comes to funny statements about marriage and relationships. Whether it's Barack Obama talking about Michelle or a cheeky comment by Mae West, here are some amusing quotes about marriage that just might provide a fresh perspective.

    Funny Marriage Quotes - Funny Statement About Marriage From Famous People
    Design: Natalie Romine
    • "I'm married to a very unusual person, but maybe it took a very unusual person to be willing to marry me." —Fiona Shaw
    • "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." —Rita Rudner
    • "Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing." —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
    • "I married for love but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored." —Cameron Esposito
    • "Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." —Mae West
    • "We're all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness–and call it love–true love." —Robert Fulghum
    • "Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." —Ogden Nash
    • "The secret to a good marriage is to be a little deaf." Ruth Bader Ginsburg
    • "My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me." —Winston Churchill
    • "Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards." —Benjamin Franklin
    • "Love is blind; marriage is the eye-opener." —Pauline Thomason
    • "Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you." —Chip Gaines
    Funny Marriage Quotes - Funny Comments on Marriage From Famous People
    Design: Natalie Romine
    • "A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." —André Maurois
    • "The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him." —Cher
    • "I can't make you love me, but I can fill my pantry with your favorite snacks and offer you a weekly stipend of $75." —Rob Delaney
    • "Michelle's like Beyoncé in that song, 'Let me upgrade ya!' She upgraded me."—Barack Obama
    • "There are a hundred paths through the world that are easier than loving. But who wants easier?" —Mary Oliver
    • "If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." —Fran Lebowitz
    • "A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores." —Terry Pratchett

    Funny Marriage Advice From Comedians, Actors and Authors

    Tap into the wisdom of wordsmiths like poet Ogden Nash and comedian Mindy Kaling for funny marriage advice phrases about date night, relationship highs and lows and more humorous comments.

    Funny Marriage Quotes - Funny Marriage Advice from Actor Chris Hemsworth
    Design: Natalie Romine
    • "Make sure you have date night even if it's once in a blue moon because most of the time you're just too tired and you'd actually prefer to sleep." —Chris Hemsworth
    • "Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with someone long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family." —Chelsea Handler
    • "To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the loving cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up." —Ogden Nash
    • "For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end." —Catherine Zeta-Jones
    • "Love is a two-way street constantly under construction." —Carroll Bryant
    • "Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." —Billy Connolly
    • "Marriage is not just spiritual communion. It is also remembering to take out the trash." —Dr. Joyce Brothers
    • "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times—always with the same person." —Mignon McLaughlin
    • "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." —Anne Bancroft
    Funny Marriage Quotes - Funny Marriage Advice from Comedian Megan Mullally
    Design: Natalie Romine
    • "Spend a few minutes a day really listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid [their] problems sound to you." —Megan Mullally
    • "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are." —Will Ferrell
    • "Marriage is like a graph: It has its ups and downs and as long as things bounce back up again, you've got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you've got some problems!" —Julie Andrews
    • "Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there." —George Burns
    • "I want to hear that you guys watch every episode of The Bachelorette together in secret shame, or that one got the other hooked on Breaking Bad and if either watches it without the other, they're dead meat. I want to see you guys high-five each other like teammates on a recreational softball team you both do for fun."―Mindy Kaling
    • "A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked." —LeAnn Rimes

    Contributions by Lauren Rodrigue and Diane Hall.

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