How You & Your Live-In Partner Can Cure Roommate Syndrome

The day you move in with your partner is a major milestone in your relationship. Suddenly, all your individual belongings are smooshed under one roof and you get to spend oodles of time together. As the novelty wears off, though, a phenomenon known as "roommate syndrome" can start to creep in—if you aren't actively nourishing the romantic and sexual aspects of your relationship, that is.

This can occur in both early relationships and long-term marriages, though it's more common the longer you're together. Ahead, we're detailing what roommate syndrome looks like—including all the tell-tale signs—and offering advice on how to "cure" roommate syndrome so you can get back to the joys of an intimate, lovey-dovey partnership.

In this article:

• What Is Roommate Syndrome?
• What Causes Roommate Syndrome?
• 6 Tell-Tale Signs of Roommate Syndrome
• How to Break Out of the Roommate Phase

What Is Roommate Syndrome?

Roommate syndrome or "housemate syndrome" refers to a romantic partnership where both people start to feel more like plain old roommates rather than romantically entwined companions. There's usually a sense of detachment—a "ships passing in the night" feel—due to a lack of emotional bonding and physical intimacy, similar to what you'd experience with just an everyday roommate.

What Causes Roommate Syndrome?

Roommate syndrome typically occurs over time and corresponds to when that new-relationship excitement wanes and day-to-day minutiae takes a stronghold. "In a relationship, we can find ourselves living parallel lives," explains Leanna Stockard, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, "taking for granted how much time we spend together, and we forget to keep dating."

"When we stop dating each other…we [may] start focusing more on the logistical 'roommate' issues in the relationship instead," she says.

Adrine Davtyan, LCSW, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist, agrees. She adds that over time, a couple's routines and responsibilities may overshadow the spontaneity and passion that initially characterized their relationship. Suddenly, you feel like roommates in your relationship versus steamy romantic partners.

6 Tell-Tale Signs of Roommate Syndrome

Not quite sure whether you've teetered into a roommate syndrome situation with your partner? Be on the lookout for these signs.

• 1. Reduced Physical Intimacy: "One key sign is reduced physical intimacy," Davtyan says. This includes sex, cuddling, holding hands, hugging and kissing.
• 2. Decreased Emotional Intimacy: If your relationship lacks deep conversations or you're not sharing details regarding your inner thoughts or emotions, you could be dealing with roommate syndrome.
• 3. Logistics-Focused Conversations: "The biggest key sign is when you notice that you and your partner are mostly communicating—or fighting—about household issues, errands or other logistical components of your relationship," Stockard says. "It could be an indicator that [you're] using the conversations about household logistics as a way to avoid talking about deeper relationship issues."
• 4. Less Intentional Quality Time Together: With roommate syndrome, you may notice you're spending less quality time together. This means fewer dates (or none at all) or a lack of dedication to finding intentional time to connect and bond.
• 5. Routine Triumphs Over Spontaneity: With roommate syndrome, "the relationship becomes predictable and routine-driven, and lacks the excitement and variety it once had," says Davtyan.
• 6. More Time in Individual Spaces: Another contributing factor and sign of roommate syndrome is spending more time apart—even under the same roof or within the same city. Davtyan says, "Partners may begin to prioritize their individual pursuits and spaces over shared experiences."

How to Break Out of the Roommate Phase

When it feels like you're roommates in a relationship, that lack of connection and increased distance between you and your partner can become a cyclical issue. The distance will continue to grow—which can lead to feelings of sadness, unfulfillment, frustration and even resentment— unless you actively work against it. Here's how to get the fire burning again.

Address the Issue

As awkward as it might feel to put a label on what you're experiencing, it's important to gently broach the topic with your partner. This will get you both on the same page so you can work toward nourishing your relationship. Remember—a lot of people go through this and there's a way to fix things.

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"I recommend addressing these issues as a team where we take responsibility for the past challenges, check-in with each other frequently about how the logistical pieces are going and work on problem-solving for the future together—as opposed to blaming each other for the past," says Stockard.

Work On Your Communication Skills

Along with addressing the issue head-on, consider ways you can both brush up on your communication skills. This is the key to increasing emotional intimacy and bettering your connection. "A good place to start is active listening," Stockard says. "Create a structure to ensure that [you] are able to hear each other's thoughts and feelings without judgment."

"This form of communication helps create emotional safety in the relationship and builds comfort and trust to be open with each other in the future."

Participate in Shared Activities

While it's important for each partner to pursue individual passions, it's equally important to have shared experiences together. These build your relationships through memory-making, teamwork and excitement.

"Find activities that once brought joy and excitement into the relationship… [and] engage in new experiences together to create shared memories," Davtyan suggests. "This can foster an environment that encourages open communication about each partner's desires and interests."

Start Dating Each Other Again

Similarly, get recurring date nights on your calendar and prioritize them. This can be as simple as ordering in pizza and playing card games, exploring attractions around your city or snuggling up for movie night. "Mark a deliberate day in the calendar each week to have a date night in order to create the habit," advises Stockard.

Connect on a Daily Basis

In addition to date nights, make sure to connect by discussing your thoughts and feelings every day. This might look like asking about their favorite part of the day or checking in with areas where they may need support.

"Another good idea is to introduce small gestures of affection and appreciation into daily routines, like leaving love notes around the house, hugs at random or leaving cozy socks out for your partner in the morning," Davtyan suggests. When in doubt, lean into their love language.

Get Physical

One of the key factors that sets a romantic relationship apart from a roommate situation is physical intimacy. If you're out of practice with your partner, this may take some easing into again—but do prioritize it if it's something you both miss and want to experience together again. Start small with longer hugs or kisses and invest in intentional bedroom time. You could also try sending steamy text messages or flirty images to get the sparks flying.