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Updated Mar 06, 2025Should I Send a Wedding Gift If I'm Not Attending the Wedding?
What to know when you RSVP "no."
Photo: Getty: JUN2,Graphic: Natalie Romine
A wedding invitation arrives in the mail and you're brimming with excitement. But then you glance at the date and, uh oh, life has other plans. Reluctantly, you fill out the RSVP card with "no." Now begs the question: What's proper etiquette for a wedding gift if you're not attending? Do you still need to get the happy couple a present? Moreover, if the traditional "cover your plate" rule doesn't apply in your absence, what constitutes an acceptable wedding gift amount? Explore the nuances of wedding gift protocol in our detailed guide for invitees unable to attend the celebration.
Do you have to give a wedding gift if you don't attend the event?
Wedding gift etiquette generally encourages sending a gift even if you can't attend the nuptials, however, the decision is ultimately up to you. All that's really expected is sending back your RSVP card. Think about your relationship with the couple and if you have the financial means to send a present. An invite to a couple's wedding can speak volumes about how much they value you in their lives. It's generally considered thoughtful to reciprocate the gesture with a gift that celebrates their union, especially if they're a family member or close friend.
In instances of casual acquaintances, financial constraints or unique circumstances that make it challenging to send a wedding gift, it's okay to forgo a present. Instead, convey your sincerest regrets and well-wishes to the couple in person, over the phone or through a card.
What's an appropriate wedding gift if you're not attending?
Even if you don't plan to attend a wedding, it's recommended to check the couple's registry for a suitable gift—exactly as you would for a wedding you intend to go to. This wish list is especially convenient if you're shopping for a non-immediate family member or casual friend. Everything they want is laid out for you. Kara Maureen, a wedding coach who helps couples navigate the nuanced relationships that come with wedding planning and starting a life together, suggests adding a message to your registry pick. She says, "I recently declined a wedding invitation, then went to their registry and picked the SMEG toaster. I wrote a sweet note that I was sad not to be toasting them on their big day, but I am excited to be part of all their toasts as a married couple. Adding a note about how sad you are to miss it is what will be remembered."
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What about a best friend's ceremony? Is opting for a registry item still the go-to choice for a wedding gift if you won't be there? While an item off their wish list remains an appropriate option, consider elevating the sentiment. Pick a registry item you know is a top priority for them, include a heartfelt card and, if feasible, hand-deliver it in person. Additionally, you have the option to explore gifts outside the registry, perhaps a small personalized item that reflects their relationship (and your relationship to them as a best friend), such as a gift card to their first-date restaurant or a charm bracelet symbolizing your friendship.
When's the best time to send the wedding gift if you're not going?
According to traditional wedding gift etiquette, you have up to a year after the wedding date to send a present to the happy couple. However, most experts recommend that guests should deliver their gifts within three months of the wedding, and this advice applies to situations when you're not attending the event, too. The key is to ensure the gift reaches the couple within a reasonable time frame, allowing you to express your warm wishes and congratulations on their marriage, even if you can't be there in person to celebrate. Sending the gift before the nuptial date allows the couple to appreciate it amid the excitement leading up to their special day. However, if unforeseen circumstances lead to a delay, it's considered acceptable if it arrives a little later.
How much should you spend on a wedding gift when you can't go?
How much to spend on a wedding gift is generally determined by the cost of attending as a guest. It's a bit murkier when you don't have to open your wallet for a flight or hotel. Some etiquette experts argue that, since you're not spending money on traveling to the wedding, you can possibly afford to spend more on the gift. On the flip side, the couple isn't paying for your seat at the table, so perhaps you can spend a bit less on the newlyweds.
According to The Knot's 2023 Guest Study, the average wedding gift amount spent by guests in 2023 was $150.* Guests spent a bit more for close friends and family members, $170 and $160 respectively, and a bit less for casual friends, $130. You can use this data as a jumping-off point. Maureen says, "The price point is absolutely up to you and what feels comfortable to you. For some, spending a little more might make sense because they aren't spending to attend the wedding. But the key is to spend what feels comfortable and generous for you."
If you miss a prewedding event, what's the proper gift etiquette?
The general rule is that if you miss a prewedding event like an engagement party or couple's shower, you don't need to send a gift. A couple's wedding season often includes multiple gift-giving opportunities, so you'll be able to make up for your absence on another occasion. That said, if you feel inclined to send a present nonetheless, it won't go unappreciated.
