The Ultimate Guide to Wedding Speeches: Who Gives Them, How to Write One
Historically, wedding speeches date back to ancient societies, when those in attendance would raise their glasses to their gods. Today, giving a speech (or toast) to honor the newlyweds is still a big part of wedding celebrations.
Typically, those expected to give wedding speeches usually includes the newlyweds' parents, one representative from each side of the couple's wedding party (the best man and maid of honor), and a response toast from the newlyweds, explains Allyson Joseph, an event producer at Bob Gail Events in Los Angeles, California.
As for rehearsal dinner speeches, it's most typical for the father and mother of the groom to raise a toast since they often host this event — while the wedding is commonly hosted by the bride's family.
But there are no set-in-stone rules about who should (and shouldn't) give wedding speeches. It really depends on the occasion, as well as the couple's preferences and culture. Here, several wedding experts provide their very best wedding speech tips.
Wedding Speech vs. Wedding Toast: What's the Difference?
You've heard of "wedding speeches" and "wedding toasts" — but what's the difference? Here's what experts have to say.
"A toast is generally an acknowledgment of a timely event, in the case of a wedding toast, to honor and congratulate the happy couple on their nuptials," says Diane Gottsman, an international etiquette expert and founder of the Protocol School of Texas.
On the other hand, Gottsman says "a speech is a 'talk,' a lengthier conversation of best wishes and reminiscent of the bride and groom's first meeting, history, or a warm and friendly story."
Julie Blais Comeau, Chief Etiquette Officer at Etiquette Julie, agrees. She says that a "toast is a proposal to drink, to 'cheer,' to honor [the couple's] union and to congratulate them. It is followed by a raising of the glass, the collective taking of a sip to wish them well. It is short and to the point."
Speeches are typically longer, and "may include an anecdote or multiple stories and last more than three minutes," says Anne Chertoff, chief operating officer at Beaumont Etiquette.
In sum, you'd raise a toast to the newlyweds and invite everyone to take a sip of whatever they're drinking (often champagne), and speeches are typically pre-written, lengthier tributes.
What Do You Say in a Wedding Speech?
The time has come to write a great wedding speech. You go to put your pen to paper — only to realize you are totally unsure of what's most important to say. Here, you'll get advice on how to deliver a great speech that holds meaning, plus tips on what not to say.
How to Start a Wedding Speech
If it's your first time giving a wedding speech, don't worry if you're not an experienced speechwriter. We recommend starting from the top. What should you begin by saying?
"When drafting a wedding speech, the speaker would start it based on what their role is in the wedding," Chertoff says. For example, "the father or mother of the bride or groom may start by thanking everyone for attending, since they may be the host of the occasion."
If you're giving a maid of honor speech or best man speech, you may want to start by introducing yourself, Chertoff explains. This introduction may include how you know the bride or groom — and if appropriate, you can also throw in some heartfelt memories you have about meeting their new spouse.
This advice — to start by introducing yourself — can apply to any speech by any guest. It's a smooth way to kick off your tribute, which will also provide context for those listening.
How to End a Wedding Speech
The ending of your speech will likely wrap up in a natural way as you write. But, to make sure you hit the right note, consider the following.
"The end of a wedding speech should summarize the feeling of the speech and the occasion," Chertoff says. "The speaker may want to ask everyone to raise a glass to toast the couple — or they may want to end by saying how much they love the newlyweds."
It's really that simple. Just make sure that your speech has a wrap-up of some kind, end it on a heartfelt note, and don't just stop abruptly after telling a story.
When all else fails, you can signal the end of your speech by raising a toast. (After all, everyone loves an energetic toast, followed by a sip of their favorite drink.)
What NOT to Say in a Wedding Speech
What you say in your wedding speech really depends on your relationship with the couple — and also the type and formality of the affair.
You may, for example, want to be extra careful about how and when you "throw shade" at the couple. "While some people may think it's funny to roast a bride or groom, a rehearsal dinner is the more appropriate place for a roast-style speech," Chertoff says.
Along the same lines, you may want to avoid bringing up certain topics. "Steer clear from mentioning past love interests, private jokes or one-liners no one else will understand, or personal details that could potentially be offensive," Gottsman says.
She adds: "Humor is dangerous — unless you are really good at pulling it off and very few people are as funny as they think!"
Finally, it's safest to stay away from curse words — and definitely don't belittle, ridicule, or shame anyone, Chertoff explains. "Remember that what you say and do can be recorded at any moment and could go viral."
Who Should Give Wedding Speeches?
With all of your loved ones attending your wedding, you might be wondering who should give wedding speeches on your big day.
"The list can be lengthy and include everyone in the wedding party, including bridesmaids and groomsmen, if he or she wants to," Blais Comeau says. "There is no obligation on anyone's part."
Blais Comeau adds: "Top of the list is the bride and groom, followed by the father of the bride speech and the father of the groom speech, unto the best man, the maid of honor. Start at the top, decide, ask, and plan."
What's the usual order of wedding speeches? "The best man and the maid of honor traditionally offer the first speech, generally before the meal is served," Gottsman says. Then, "a parent of the couple may make a dessert speech honoring the couple, as well."
If the newlyweds also want to give a speech, that's welcomed. After all, they're the reason everyone is gathered. It's always nice to thank everyone for coming — and show appreciation for all who may have traveled from afar.
How Long Should a Wedding Speech Be?
Wondering how long your wedding speech should be? Here's some helpful advice to ensure you meet expectations without going on for too long.
While many experts will tell you to keep your talk to 3 minutes or less, Chertoff says the best wedding speeches usually last three to five minutes.
Gottsman agrees, saying "The perfect speech lasts around 5 minutes, give or take a minute or two."
Just remember: While it's easy to write a lot about the people that you love, there are many festivities that take place during the wedding reception, such as special dances and cutting the cake.
To make sure you're in the sweet spot time-wise, try writing down everything you'd like to say and time yourself as you read. If you end up talking for too long, you'll then want to cut out parts that have less impact.
Practicing is also important because it allows you to see how fast you tend to read. You'll want to make sure you "read slowly, pause, look up, smile, look at the newlyweds and the guests," Blais Comeau says. "Don't rush it."
Is It OK to Read a Wedding Speech?
The debate over whether it's OK to read your wedding speech ends here. Since not everyone is great at public speaking, experts say it's fine to bring notes with you, so long as you're familiar with your script. The important part is to show your love for the couple.
"No one should feel obligated to memorize a speech," Chertoff says. "That being said, it's important that anyone reading a speech or making a toast practice before the wedding day, so they are comfortable and confident on the big day."
Gottsman agrees, saying, "Note cards are acceptable to refer to occasionally if you are feeling nervous. But she adds that "the best speech is from the heart without notes."
Additionally, if you choose to read from your phone or tablet, remember to "make sure that all the bells and whistles are silenced," Blais Comeau says. After all, you don't want your phone to start ringing mid-speech. That'd be a real mood spoiler.