Expert-Approved Strategies to Involve Your Mother-in-Law in Wedding Planning

Navigating family dynamics is often the trickiest part of getting married, and that includes how to involve your mother-in-law in wedding planning. You may have a mother-in-law who wants to show up on the wedding day, dance with her son at the reception and call it a day. Or you might have a mother-in-law who has opinions on everything from the flowers at your ceremony to the chicken option at your reception.

But regardless of which end of the spectrum you're on, no one goes into the wedding planning process with a guidebook on mother-of-the-groom etiquette. It's a learning process, and, as Kara Ghassabeh, a therapist and wedding coach based in Bethesda, Maryland, explains, "The most critical thing you can do is lean into the conversation. Intentionally listening to your mother-in-law's thoughts and feelings about the wedding will give you important insight into her expectations so that you can begin to manage them early and often.

Here's what Ghassabeh and two etiquette and wedding experts had to share about the process. And, if you need your own expert, check out The Knot Vendor Marketplace for planners, wedding coaches and more.

In this article:

• How to Include Your Mother-in-Law in Wedding Planning
• How to Approach Difficult Mother-in-Law Situations During Wedding Planning

How to Include Your Mother-in-Law in Wedding Planning

Jean Rivers, owner of Blue Llama Events in Indianapolis, has years of experience navigating the family dynamics that come with wedding planning. "We believe in making weddings fun, exciting and inclusive. When a mother-in-law wants to contribute to the wedding-making process, there are ways she can be involved but not too involved," Rivers says.

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The key is finding the right balance between what the couple wants in terms of involvement and what she has envisioned. Etiquette expert Jo Hayes says, "Set firm, clear boundaries from the start. Take time at the start of the planning to decide whether and how much you want your mother-in-law involved and then communicate this clearly."

Take the Lead on the Rehearsal Dinner

The traditional place to involve a mother-in-law is the rehearsal dinner. Often, the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner and it becomes the natural place for her to exert her hosting skills. In some cases, the couple may decide on the timing, location and guest list, then the mother-in-law can take over in terms of planning.

Go With Her Child to Shop for Wedding Attire

Rivers suggests that the mother-in-law can go shopping with her child for their wedding attire. It's nice to also invite them to go with their future child-in-law, but there can be tricky dynamics. And, if you think she's eager to nail the mother-of-the-groom dress etiquette, offer to help her find her dress, too.

Share Her Ideas Via a Pinterest Board

While you don't need to bring every single one of her ideas to life, you can invite your mother-in-law to share her ideas via a Pinterest board (perhaps one that is separate from your main planning board). She'll have an outlet for her creativity, and you can keep it corralled in one place.

Listen to Her Thoughts on Family Traditions

"Weddings are such a lovely way to honor your parents," Ghassabeh says. "Patiently having conversations during the wedding planning period can go a long way in building the bond and respect going forward." This could look like spending an evening going through questions to ask your mother-in-law about her own wedding or her parents, then incorporating family traditions that make her history feel like part of the celebration.

Let Her Help Plan—If You're Up For It

Traditionally, it's been up to the bride's family to plan the wedding, but that's no longer a given. Ghassabeh says, "I think the groom's mom should definitely help plan the wedding especially if she is contributing money to the wedding. The old traditional planning rules almost never fit the modern couple's approach so don't feel burdened by them. Involve the people that matter to you—especially the parents."

Give Her a Specific Task

As with anything in life, the best way to enlist help is to ask directly for what you need and play to her strengths to fill out the mother-of-the-groom duties. Hayes explains, "Depending on mother-in-law's skill set, you could assign her to a certain set of tasks, like mailing invitations. That can be an enormous, energy-intensive job. Outsourcing this job to her could save you a big job, and would allow her to feel she's playing a valuable part."

How to Approach Difficult Mother-in-Law Situations During Wedding Planning

Of course, there are times when everything doesn't go swimmingly, and here's how to deal with your future mother-in-law during wedding planning when things go awry.

Let the Wedding Planner Intervene

"One great perk of having a wedding planner is that we can help destress the situations, talk with family and keep your wishes and your needs top of mind," Rivers says. She explains that they're there to take the emotion out of planning and that can include managing testy in-laws.

Be Clear and Consistent

Whenever you're dealing with a difficult family member, consistency is key. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Ghassabeh explains, "If a mother-in-law is overbearing, it's important to be clear and consistent with your communication. It's okay for her to have desires that you simply cannot or will not accommodate."

Focus on Compromise

If it's possible, try to compromise between your desires and hers. Don't give up your vision, but allow her something that feels like she's getting her dream, too. "As long as you hear her out, give her something she can influence, plan or own," Ghassabeh says.

Assign a Member of the Wedding Party to Her

"If a mother-in-law is difficult, assign someone to the task of 'dealing' with her on the big day. This could be your official wedding planner, maid of honor, bridesmaid or a suitable relative," Hayes says. She explains that this could come in handy if a mother-in-law tries to control a situation that shouldn't be in her control, like wedding photos. Someone should be there ready to swoop in and redirect her.

Give Her Grace

At the end of the day, the best thing you can do is extend grace to your mother-in-law as much as possible. You can't control her, but you can control your reactions to her—and that's the secret to how to get along with your MIL. "Work on increasing your own ability to tolerate her feelings of disappointment or frustration or even anger. Usually what's beneath the overbearing mother-in-law is just a mom afraid of losing her kiddo," Ghassabeh says.