Here's How to Tell Your Partner You're Not Sexually Satisfied

Sex and physical intimacy is vital to the health of a relationship, but what if you're not happy with the way things are in the bedroom? The good news is sexual dissatisfaction doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. The key is learning how to tell your partner you're not sexually satisfied and taking the steps to improve your sex life. To help with this, we turned to an expert on all things sex and how to be sexually satisfied in a relationship. Below, learn exactly what to do if your partner doesn't sexually satisfy you from sexologist and sex educator Carol Queen.

In this article:

• What Does It Mean to Be Sexually Satisfied?
• Is It Normal to Feel Sexually Unsatisfied With a Partner?
• How to Tell Your Partner You're Not Sexually Satisfied
• Tips for Improving Your Sexual Satisfaction

What Does It Mean to Be Sexually Satisfied?

First off, what does sexual satisfaction even mean? Generally, sexual satisfaction refers to your sexual desires being accepted and—you guessed it—satisfied, explains Dr. Queen. It means you're compatible with your partner, can communicate your feelings and sexual interests, and mutually respect and are comfortable with each others' sexuality, she adds. In other words, you're overall happy with the sexual activities you engage in as a couple.

Is It Normal to Feel Sexually Unsatisfied With a Partner?

Yup! It's common to be sexually unsatisfied with a partner and there are a few things that can lead to it, one of them being lack of sex education."Many people turn to the internet, especially porn, to make sense of sex," Dr. Queen says. "But not all info on the internet is correct (or diverse enough—not all people are the same!) and porn is not intended to be sex ed."

Other things that can lead to sexual dissatisfaction include not learning how to communicate well about sex or not knowing what we actually want in terms of sex, Dr. Queen says. Finally, sometimes it has nothing to do with sex. "Life can be a lot and sometimes sex is the first to go when you have a lot of stress to deal with," she says. "It isn't always that dissatisfaction is built into a relationship."

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How to Tell Your Partner You're Not Sexually Satisfied

Whatever is causing you to feel not satisfied sexually, rest assured there are ways to improve sexual satisfaction with a partner and it starts with a conversation. If you're wondering how to tell your partner you're not sexually satisfied, read on for pro tips.

Slowly Break The Silence

If you've never talked about sex with your partner, ease into it by adding sex-related topics into conversations. "You can mention an article you read or gossip about a star or the plot of a tv show or whatever gets you in the comfort zone of speaking about it," Dr. Queen says. "So many people have been repressed and shamed about sex, silence is a strategy that might seem to keep you emotionally safe, but once you need to talk, it is a real barrier."

Get Clear On How You Feel

Before even bringing up the topic of sexual dissatisfaction with your partner, Dr. Queen encourages getting clear on how you feel so you walk into the conversation with clarity. Specificity on the issues around sexual dissatisfaction is key. For example, it could be that sex doesn't last as long as you'd like it to or you have a history of sexual trauma that may be triggering you. Or, you want to change how often you have sex or need to clarify what you do and don't like such as spontaneous sex versus scheduled sex. "Lots of things might play into dissatisfaction, so be ready to share thoughts about your own situation," Dr. Queen says.

Pick a Good Time for the Conversation

The timing for having the talk about feeling sexually unsatisfied in your relationship is also important as you don't want any distractions or stressors that may interrupt the conversation. And you don't want to randomly bring up such a big and important topic without a heads up. "Blindsiding someone isn't a communication style that helps you move in a positive direction usually," Dr. Queen says. "So tell them you would like to have a conversation that involves sharing some personal feelings and ask if this is a good time, or when would be."

Make it a Two-Way Conversation

To open up the conversation, Dr. Queen suggests starting by sharing your feelings and experience on the matter. This is why it's helpful to get clear beforehand on what specifically is causing sexual dissatisfaction and what you would prefer for your sex life to look like instead. And the conversation doesn't end there, Dr. Queen notes that it's important to be open to learning more about your partner's feelings on the topic as well and discussing how you can move forward to improve your sex life.

Work With a Sex Therapist

In some cases, one conversation may not resolve the issue, so turning to a sex therapist who can help you both navigate sexual dissatisfaction can be very beneficial. Dr. Queen specifically recommends working with a sex therapist if you need help determining what to say or if your partner has a difficult time talking. "Please note: a partner who won't communicate about this stuff is not actually a compatible partner for you," Dr. Queen says. "But they need a chance to step up, also."

Tips for Improving Your Sexual Satisfaction

Once you've had the "I'm not sexually satisfied" conversation with your partner, it's time to put a plan in action. Read on for tips on how to increase sexual satisfaction.

Masturbate

Improving sexual satisfaction with your partner starts with learning about what you want and need for pleasure. Masturbation is a surefire way to do that, Dr. Queen says. Furthermore, she says masturbation also helps create an overall positive sexual environment for yourself by helping you destress so you can show up as your best self when you address and untangle issues around sexual dissatisfaction with your partner.

Read and Learn

Since lack of good sex information often leads to feeling not sexually satisfied in a relationship, doing research and learning is a great way to overall help improve sexual satisfaction. "Info-based books, books that unpack cultural issues that may be affecting you, erotic books—all of these can help you fill in missing pieces about sexual functioning, help you understand that sex doesn't mean the same things to every person and that some ideas of 'normal' are restrictive, and give you access to erotic ideas that might fuel arousal for you during solo and partnered sex," Dr. Queen says. "When you read things that really resonate, you can share with your partner."

Continue Talking Frankly With One Another

And lastly and most importantly, Dr. Queen encourages making discussions about sex in many contexts a new normal for you as a couple. "Talk about the sex you used to have, the kind you hope you'll have in the future, the kinds other people have, just to talk," she says. "This normalizes sexuality in ways that can increase comfort, intimacy, awareness, perspective and willingness to ask for what you want and enquire about what your partner wants."