How Long Is Too Long Without Sex in a Relationship? Exploring the Impact of Intimacy Gaps

Whether you're in a long-distance relationship or just jumping into a new fling, there is one common question that most couples will eventually ask themselves at some point: How long is too long without sex in a relationship?

If you and your partner are finding yourself in a dry spell in the intimacy department, it can be easy to start obsessing: How often do couples have sex? Am I having enough of it? How often do married couples have sex? Is sex important in a relationship? Just how important is it?

You're definitely not alone in this way of thinking and you don't have to be. Casey Tanner, a certified sex therapist and resident intimacy expert at LELO, knows a thing or two about the intricacies of sex—especially when it comes to the dry spell in a relationship—and she's here to help.

We've asked her all the nitty-gritty questions below, so you don't have to.

In this article:

• Is Sex Important in a Relationship?
• How Often Should Couples Have Sex?
• How Long Is Too Long Without Sex in a Relationship?
• 5 Reasons You Might Be Having Less Sex
• How to Reignite Your Sex Life With Your Partner

Is Sex Important in a Relationship?

First things first! Is sex important in a relationship? The answer is simple: It's only as important as you and your partner make it. Sex is not a one-size-fits-all kind of deal, and every couple will have their own ways of prioritizing it (or not).

"Every relationship is different as it relates to sexual frequency," Tanner explains. For example, some couples may feel that having sex is a great way for each person to feel needed, valued and connected to one another. For others, not so much.

"For people who identify as asexual or on the ace spectrum, it may not be abnormal or distressing to go long stretches of time without sex," Tanner says, "If sex is even part of the relationship at all."

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How Often Should Couples Have Sex?

Remember that everyone has a different hierarchy of how important they view sex, and it's only up to you and your partner to decide how important it is for your relationship. That goes for how often you and your partner may choose to be intimate, too.

"While sex can be extremely pleasurable, it is also not time and energy-neutral," Tanner notes. With that said some couples with more free time may choose to have sex a few times a week, while other busy couples might have less frequent sex.

There is no right or wrong number of times you should be doing the deed—it's all up to you and your partner to decide.

So, How Long Is Too Long Without Sex in a Relationship?

"Each person is different in their desired sexual frequency," Tanner says, "One person may feel like it's been way too long, while another partner feels like they could go several more weeks without sex. For this reason, 'too long' is subjective."

However, Tanner explains that if each partner values sex as a core form of connection in the relationship, it may start to feel like it's been too long if that connection begins to wane.

5 Reasons You Might Be Having Less Sex

Let's get real: There are so many reasons that you might be having less sex (all with good standing), and most aren't cause for alarm bells. If you suspect an underlying physiological or psychological issue may be affecting your sex life, however, don't hesitate to seek help from a licensed doctor or therapist.

1. One (or both of you) may have a demanding career.

It's normal for careers to get busy or overtime hours to sometimes stack up. If you or your partner has a consistently demanding job or a suddenly extra busy schedule, it could equal less time in the bedroom.

2. Your (or your partner's) libido has shifted.

Sexual desire ebbs and flows. It is extremely normal to have periods with and without sex in a relationship—and sometimes, both or one of you will shift desire levels.

3. You're busy parenting.

Parenting can be incredibly rewarding and kiddos sure are cute—but parenthood is one time-consuming job. Whether you're settling into life with a newborn, or you're taking your kids to T-ball practice after school, having children can certainly impact how often you're able to nurture your sex life.

4. Communication is lacking.

It all comes down to communication. For example, say you really want to have sex with your partner, but you haven't verbally expressed it or made any moves. How would your partner know you want them? (Hint: They typically wouldn't.)

5. You are prioritizing other things in your life.

"There is nothing wrong with a couple prioritizing other activities over sex for an extended period of time," Tanner says. Life is busy. And sometimes, it happens.

Again, communication is key in ensuring that both you and your partner are on the same page and can support one another during these priority shifts.

How to Reignite Your Sex Life With Your Partner

Lighting the fire in the bedroom again doesn't have to be an intimidating feat. In fact, it can be fun and exciting for both of you. Whether you're getting back into the swing of intimacy after having your first baby, or you had a busy holiday season at work, it starts with the desire to have desire.

1. Check-In with your partner(s).

Ah, the good ol' check-in. "If it's been longer than you're used to, check in with your partner(s) about how they're feeling about that and share how it's feeling for you," Tanner suggests, "Chances are, if you're noticing a change, they are too."

2. Schedule an intimate date.

If you live busy lives, it can sometimes be helpful to schedule a time for an intimate date. Marking time off on your calendar for intentional intimacy can increase your desire and get you both excited for what's to come.

3. Switch off your devices.

When it comes to igniting intimacy in the bedroom, switching off your devices and giving your sole attention to your partner can be key in fostering connection and having fun. That text or email can wait.

4. Understand where your partner is at.

While this might go without saying, it's essential to understand where your partner is at with sex and to meet them where they are. Pay attention to what they're telling you, both verbally and non-verbally, and be respectful of what their desires are.

5. Set the mood.

Light some candles, run a bubble bath, put on lingerie and cue up your partner's favorite album. A little mood-setting can go a long way.

Need some more ideas? Play a steamy card game (like one of these fun finds), or plan a yummy-meets-sexy aphrodisiac menu with your partner.

6. Prioritize emotional intimacy.

Maybe you've been feeling emotional distance in your relationship. In this case, try to prioritize fostering emotional intimacy. Listen to your partner talk about their day, let them know you're thinking of them throughout yours and let your walls come down together.

7. Experiment with new things.

Sex can look many different ways. Try experimenting with your partner and find new ways to build intimacy, experience pleasure and—most of all—have fun together.