These Funny Wedding Readings Are the Opposite of Cringey

Between the requisite traditional readings and the religious references, your wedding ceremony doesn't have to be all buttoned up. There's always room for lighthearted smiles, genuine laughs and even a few funny wedding readings to keep the audience on their toes.

There are funny movie quotes or song lyrics that will instantly inspire a few knowing smiles from guests and then there are offbeat poems and quirky excerpts that might not be so familiar, but will draw a roar of belly laughs across the crowd.

But finding the right line between matrimonial comedic timing and cringe-worthy nuptials can be tough, and so much of it depends on the right officiant to deliver the reading with confidence and stage presence (a little improv experience never hurts).

To help you plan your knee-slapping ceremony, here are 15 funny wedding readings and a place to find just the right officiant—on The Knot Vendor Marketplace.

FEATURED VIDEO FROM THE KNOT

Funny Poem Readings

Give your guests a taste of hilarious rhyming and clever rhythm with these funny poem readings that work beautifully into a wedding ceremony.

1. "Yes, I'll Marry You," by Pam Ayres

Jennifer Allen, CEO and officiant at Just Elope, suggests this reading for its humorous authenticity and honest portrayal of marriage, in a way that can draw a smile from anyone who's ever asked their spouse to go downstairs and see what that noise might have been.

"Yes, I'll marry you, my dear./ And here's the reason why: /So I can push you out of bed/ When the baby starts to cry./ And if we hear a knocking/ And it's creepy and it's late,/ I hand you the torch you see,/ And you investigate./ Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,/ You may not apprehend it,/ But when the tumble-drier goes/ It's you that has to mend it./ You have to face the neighbor/ Should our Labrador attack him,/ And if a drunkard fondles me/ It's you that has to whack him./ Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,/ You're virile and you're lean,/ My house is like a pigsty/ You can help to keep it clean./ That sexy little dinner/ Which you served by candlelight,/ As I do chipolatas,/ You can cook it every night!!!/ It's you who has to work the drill/ And put up curtain track,/ And when I've got PMT it's you who gets the flak,/ I do see great advantages,/ But none of them for you,/ And so before you see the light,/ I DO, I DO, I DO!!"

2. "He Never Leaves the Seat Up," by Anonymous

There's a charming and relatable honesty in this favorite funny wedding reading, suggested by Allen. It resonates with anyone and everyone with its portrayal of the annoyances—and smiles—that come with daily living with another human being.

"He never leaves the seat up,/ Or wet towels upon the floor,/ The toothpaste has the lid on,/ And he always shuts the door!/ She's very clean and tidy,/ Though she may sometimes delude,/ Leave your things out at your peril,/ In a second, they'll have moved!/ He's a very active person,/ As are all his next of kin,/ Where as she likes lazy days,/ He'll still drag her to the gym!/ He romances her and dines her,/ Though she sometimes likes to fight,/ It's just that he remembers,/ To hug her, every night!"

3. "I'll Be There For You," by Louise Cuddon

For a funny poem that feels incredibly relatable, Carolyn Holmes, officiant at Rites of Way, suggests "I'll Be There For You". She notes that this often resonates with her couples, who can see themselves in the lines.

"I'll be there my darling, through thick and through thin/ When your mind's in a mess and your head's in a spin/ When your plane's been delayed, and you've missed the last train./ When life is just threatening to drive you insane/ When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page/ When somebody tells you, you're looking your age/ When your coffee's too cool, and your wine is too warm/ When the forecast said "Fine", but you're out in a storm/ When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum/ And your holiday photos show only your thumb/ When you park for five minutes in a resident's bay/ And return to discover you've been towed away/ When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste/ Just stick on your hips and don't reach round your waist/ When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes/ When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes/ So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear…/ When you break a rule, when you act the fool/ When you've got the flu, when you're in a stew/ When you're last in the queue, don't feel blue/ 'cause I'm telling you, I'll be there."

4. "How Falling in Love Is Like Owning a Dog," by Taylor Mali

"How Falling in Love Is Like Owning a Dog is the funniest reading I've ever heard, and the pleasure of it is in its truth," says Christopher Shelly, wedding celebrant and officiant at Illuminating Ceremonies. It's even better when it's read at a wedding where there's a dog by your side.

"First of all, it's a big responsibility, especially in a city like New York./ So think long and hard before deciding on love./ On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:/ when you're walking down the street late at night/ and you have a leash on love/ ain't no one going to mess with you./ Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable./ Who knows what love could do in its own defense?/ On cold winter nights, love is warm./ It lies between you and lives/ and breathes/ and makes funny noises./ Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs./ It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy./ Love doesn't like being left alone for long./ But come home and love is always happy to see you./ It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,/ but you can never be mad at love for long."

5. "I Rely on You," by Hovis Presley

There are so many things in life that need each other—not just people. A long rundown of some of the most memorable items will give every one of your guests something to relate to (or laugh with!).

"I rely on you like a Skoda needs suspension,/ like the aged need a pension,/ like a trampoline needs tension,/ like a bungee jump needs apprehension./ I rely on you like a camera needs a shutter,/ like a gambler needs a flutter,/ like a golfer needs a putter,/ like a buttered scone involves some butter./ I rely on you like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve,/ like a hairpin needs a drastic curve,/ like an HGV needs endless derv,/ like an outside left needs a body swerve./ I rely on you like a handyman needs pliers,/ like an auctioneer needs buyers,/ like a laundromat needs dryers,/ like The Good Life needed Richard Briers./ I rely on you like a water vole needs water,/ like a brick outhouse needs mortar,/ like a lemming to the slaughter,/ Ryan's just Ryan without his daughter. I rely on you."

6. "I Like You," by Sandol Stoddard Warburg

For a couple that's as silly as they are sweet, this is the perfect reading. Shelley says, "This poem is clipped and playful, and it must be read by a skilled performer because the humor is 90% in the rhythm of the piece."

"I like you and I know why/ I like you because you are a good person to like/ I like you because when I tell you something special, you know it's special/ And you remember it a long, long time/ You say, "Remember when you told me something special?"/ And both of us remember/ When I think something is important/ You think it's important too/ We have good ideas/ When I say something funny, you laugh/ I think I'm funny and you think I'm funny too/ You know how to be silly/ That's why I like you/ If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag,/ then you are getting ready to jump/ I like you because when I am feeling sad/ You don't always cheer me up right away/ Sometimes it is better to be sad/ You want to think about things/ It takes time/ I like you because if I am mad at you/ Then you are mad at me too/ It's awful when the other person isn't/ I can't remember when I didn't like you/ It must have been lonesome then/ Even if it was the 999th of July/ Even if it was August/ Even if it was way down at the bottom of November/ I would go on choosing you/ And you would go on choosing me/ Over and over again/ And that's how it would happen every time"

7. "We're All A Little Weird," by Dr. Seuss

What better way to bring two people together than to remind them they're a team in this big wide world? That's why this poem by Dr. Seuss is both funny and tear-jerking when read on your big day.

"We're are all a little weird/ and life's a little weird,/ and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with/ ours, we join up with them and/ fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

Funny Song Lyrics

There are near endless options for song lyrics as wedding readings, but there are a few that stand out in their hilariously accurate depictions of love and marriage.

8. "I Wanna Be Yours," by John Cooper Clark

"In my experience, it isn't easy to keep a straight face for the person reading this poem or the people listening to it! So it will certainly get people in stitches if that's what you want," says Holmes. And, if it sounds familiar, that might be because it was re-recorded by the Arctic Monkeys in 2013.

"I wanna be your vacuum cleaner/ Breathing in your dust/ I wanna be your Ford Cortina/ I will never rust/ If you like your coffee hot/ Let me be your coffee pot/ You call the shots/ I wanna be yours/ I wanna be your raincoat/ For those frequent rainy days/ I wanna be your dreamboat/ When you want to sail away/ Let me be your teddy bear/ Take me with you anywhere/ I don't care/ I wanna be yours/ I wanna be your electric meter/ I will not run out/ I wanna be the electric heater/ You'll get cold without/ I wanna be your setting lotion/ Hold your hair in deep devotion/ Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean/ That's how deep is my devotion"

9. "Grow Old With You," from The Wedding Singer

This charming and heartwarming excerpt from a song in The Wedding Singer is a classic wedding reading. It's sentimental, nostalgic, and it always causes guests to break out a little smile.

"I want to make you smile whenever you're sad/ Carry you around when your arthritis is bad/ All I want to do is grow old with you/ I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches/ Build you a fire if the furnace breaks/ Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you/ I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold/ Need you, feed you, even let you hold the remote control/ So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink/ Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink/ I could be the man who grows old with you/ I want to grow old with you."

Funny Quotes

When you're trying to keep the ceremony short, you can incorporate a few short quotes and readings rather than full poems or songs. It keeps the tone lighthearted without letting peoples' eyes glaze over.

10. Bill Murray on Travel and Love

At the wedding of two avid travelers, this quote sums up one of the most difficult-to-navigate and absolutely relatable milestones in dating. Traveling can make or break the couple, and, as Shelley says, "Just knowing this quote comes from one of the funniest men alive makes it feel funny."

"If you have someone you think is the one, take them and travel around the world. Buy a plane ticket for the two of you to travel all over the world, to places that are hard to reach and hard to get out of. And when you land at JFK and you're still in love with that person, get married."

11. Deep Thoughts, By Jack Handey

"The funniest couple I ever married—they were both professionally funny in their day jobs—included readings by Jack Handey of SNL's Deep Thoughts fame," says Shelley. They're short, sweet and anyone who recognizes it will get an instant laugh.

"Love is not something that you can put chains on and throw into a lake. That's called Houdini. Love is liking someone a lot."

"I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway."

Funny Movie and TV Quotes

When two screen buffs get married, it's expected there will be at least one movie or TV quote tucked away somewhere during the big day. Maybe it's in the program or in a toast, but it's also a fun addition to the ceremony.

12. The Princess Bride

"If your officiant can fully commit to the bit, 'Mawage' from The Princess Bride, is always a hilarious option," says Steven Greitzer, founder and officiant at Provenance. It's one that almost everyone knows—and can recite by heart (and isn't that what makes a great movie quote?).

"Mawage. Mawage is what bwings us togethah today. Mawwiage, that bwessed awwangement, that dweam wifin a dream! __________ and __________ have come here to make this tweasured agweement in front of their family and fwiends, pwomising their commitment in this holy and magnificent pwace, today and each day fowawd."

13. When Harry Met Sally

This iconic enemies turned friends turned lovers film is a classic story that everyone has to watch at least once. It taps into those warm feelings that evolve when you've been with someone for years, and this quote is one nearly everyone will recognize.

"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

14. The Office

Everyone's favorite office comedy has the perfect line to kick off your ceremony. Open with this, and you'll set the tone for a lighthearted evening full of laughs.

"Webster's Dictionary defines wedding as: The fusing of two metals with a hot torch."

15. Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Greitzer suggests this short and sweet quote from Brooklyn Nine-Nine. It starts off like any heartwarming wedding reading, but the twist at the end makes it feel less serious.

"Marriage is a contract. But it's so much more than that. Marriage is love. It's commitment, it's joy, it's understanding, it's patience, it's anger, it's reconciliation. It's everything. It's like oatmeal. It sustains you."