Is a Friendship Breakup Inevitable While Wedding Planning?

Weddings are known for being a time for love, laughter and bringing everyone together, but what about the strain they can put on platonic relationships? Yes, a friendship breakup is a real thing and hurts just as much as a romantic one. Whether you're the one getting married or the to-be-wed's partner in crime, the years or months leading up to the wedding can be full of drama, miscommunication and stress. But Landis Bejar, licensed mental health counselor and founding therapist of AisleTalk Wedding Therapy, says this doesn't have to be the case. Learn how to get over a friendship breakup the right way.

Weddings can magnify issues that are already present in the friendship.

Why do weddings ruin friendships? Truthfully, the answer isn't so simple. Friendship breakup reasons can vary from group to group, but Bejar doesn't want people to blame weddings for them, instead, she points to stress being the catalyst. "Any time we encounter stress, be it good stress (eustress) or bad stress (distress), pressure is put on our various 'systems'––emotional, physical, relational, administrative, and so forth. Regardless of the stress being positive or negative, any kind of stress requires more resources, such as time, money and energy, and the stressed person is left to prioritize differently than they usually do," Bejar explains.

Bejar, who's devoted to helping people navigate uniquely stressful periods, believes healthy friendships "are able to withstand inevitable times of stress and the ups and downs of life because healthy relationships don't need 24/7 love and care to thrive. The people in those relationships understand when one member's resources are being temporarily reprioritized and see it as a necessary and natural part of life; not a personal offense." Those close friends will understand that, at least for a season, you might be stretched thin by your wedding planning checklist and may have less bandwidth for direct communication. For example, may you have to focus on communicating via updates on your wedding website, rather than the one-of-one texts and calls that've long been a hallmark of your relationship.

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But those in an already-tense friendship typically have a "nurturance debt that was either the cause of the deterioration or the response to another cause. Either way, a relationship in debt will have trouble withstanding even a temporary reallocation of resources, because it was already running on fumes," Bejar says.

But what aspects of weddings contribute to the stress? Well, Bejar states that the stress can come from planning the wedding and/or the life transition of singlehood to marriage. "Most to-be-weds think they're planning a wedding only with their partner and are surprised to learn it's more like a group project with your family, friends and a bunch of people you've paid a lot of money to hire. This dynamic challenges relationships with others but also your relationship with yourself," Bejar says. Then comes the identity shift of being married, which is "accompanied by at least some of the following: more dependence and expectations from your partner, transitioning away from your family of origin (whether subtly or more obviously), prioritizing your new 'family of creation' and finding compromise with everyone around you," Bejar adds.

Don't give each other the silent treatment, instead, call or speak in-person.

"When relationships are running on empty for too long, stress causes them to reach a breaking point. This is where you may see some relationships in the 'extremes' of conflict resolution, such as blowout fights or complete shutdown," Bejar says. If you're dealing with a friendship breakup right now and aren't on speaking terms, be the bigger person and talk to them. First, remember Bejar's five parts of communication: "What the speaker intends or wants to say, how they deliver it, what words are actually stated, what the listener hears and how the listener interprets what they hear."

With that in mind, that's why face-to-face is the best way to communicate during this tense period because you don't want any misinterpretations. "When you have a phone call, you don't get the facial expressions and body language, but you still get tone, context and more. When you switch to text, which also often now comes with multitasking and lower focus/prioritization on the conversation, all we have to discern with are the actual words selected, which leaves the listener with more to interpret and the the speaker with less control over the final received message," Bejar says.

Bejar does have one exception to this in-person or phone call rule. "If the duo has already tried talking on the phone or in-person and there was repeated miscommunication, maybe the tense context and nonverbals may have too much influence. Email or text might be better to keep focused, remember what has been said and hold each other accountable. But at this point, there may be a deeper issue going on that requires reflection," Bejar says.

A written conversation starter can help ease the tension.

As wedding invitation etiquette teaches us, putting communication down on paper is powerful. Sometimes friendships breaking up can be mended with reaching out with a heartfelt, written message. Bejar recognizes that it's reasonable to do initial outreach as a text or email to act as an "invitation to a conversation." That's why Bejar offers examples of what you can write to your friend so you can start getting over a friendship breakup below.

Here's exactly what to write as the to-be-wed.

1. Acknowledge the negative reality of the situation: Hey friend, I know things have been tense lately.
2. Note on your role in the situation and add an apology (for this part, not the whole thing) if it feels appropriate: And I know I've been overwhelmed and distracted, and not been able to show up the way I normally do in our friendship. I'm sorry for that.
3. Ask for a conversation, and state your positive intention/desired outcome around having it: I'd love to get together to chat things through; I'd love to share with you more about my experience and listen to how it's been for you. And I hope to be able to clear the air before the wedding day. Your friendship and support mean the world to me.
4. Offer some empathy for their perspective and provide concrete times that you could talk, to show the relationship really is a priority to you: I understand if you may need more time or may not be ready. But if you are, can we make some time? I'm usually pretty free any time after 7 p.m. for a phone chat, or could even grab coffee on Saturday morning. LMK if either of those would work.

Once you've sent the first message and get a response, Bejar wants you to remember to listen to the person, try to understand their point of view and think carefully about your word choice. "You can let someone know that you heard them by paraphrasing what you heard them say, before launching into your next point and perspective. And when it's your turn to speak, lead with your own emotional experience. For example, 'I felt hurt when you didn't come to my bridal shower.' Also, try to only label someone's behavior or actions, not their feelings. For instance, 'When you don't respond to my texts and calls, I feel worried that you're mad at me.' vs. 'You always get so mad and shut down.' And don't forget to avoid using phrases like 'always' or 'never' when describing someone's behavior," Bejar advises.

Here's exactly what to write as the friend.

Instead of grieving a friendship breakup, use the same formula Bejar listed above. Here's what Bejar thinks the conversation could look like coming from the to-be-wed's friend:

Hey friend, I know things have been tense lately. And I know I have been critical of you recently and I realize that isn't what you need right now, with so much on your plate for the wedding. I'm sorry for that. I'd love to get together to chat things through, share with you more about my experience of things and listen to how it's been for you. And I hope to be able to clear the air before the wedding day. I very much want to be there to support you on this big milestone. I understand if you may not be ready or have too much going on right now to make time. But if you are open to it, I'd love to talk. I'm usually free any time after 5 p.m. for a phone call, or we could even go for a walk on Sunday morning. LMK what works for you.

Check yourself and ensure you're being the best friend you can be.

Some people think that friendships breaking up means there's one right person. That's not the case. Both people in the situation need to take a step back and think about if they were being their best selves throughout.

What to reflect on as the to-be-wed.

If you're questioning how to deal with a friendship breakup, you must first check in with yourself. Bejar wants nearlyweds to remember three things:

1. "If wedding stress is affecting your relationships, ask for help. Yes, it makes sense that this happens often, but just because it makes sense doesn't mean it will fix itself on its own, or that you should be alone in figuring things out," Bejar says. Take a breather and talk to your partner, friends or a wedding therapist. That kind of support can help you smoothly navigate going through a friendship breakup so that there's no long-term effects after the wedding.
2. "Remember that just because it's your special day, doesn't entitle you to complete servitude from friends and family. Support is different because it's balanced over time and can have reciprocity even during the planning," Bejay says. For example, a to-be-wed requests a certain style or color for the wedding party's attire should allow the group to pick an outfit in their budget. Another instance, if a to-be-wed really wants to have an international bach party, they should understand that's not in everyone's budget and to not take it personally or give anyone a hard time if they can't attend.
3. '"Talk openly about the stress you're under. It's tough talking about hard things, but getting vulnerable and letting your loved ones know what you're going through will help them empathize with you, which usually leads to more support," Bejar says. It doesn't matter if the support is being a listening ear or concrete advice, if you don't tell people what stress you're under, they are left to speculate the reasoning.

What to reflect on as the friend.

Bejar's advice for friends in this situation breaks down into the following:

1. "Be patient and have as much empathy as possible as your friend navigates this new transition. Planning a wedding is not just a party—it's a shift into being married. And that means it'll take a lot of their time, like meetings they need to attend and things they need to research," Bejar says. Other responsibilities your friend might have are figuring out their wedding budget and being a de facto liaison between their family, wedding party and vendors. And how could you forget, that they probably have a full-time job and other necessary duties outside of wedding planning. Ignoring your friend's list of wedding to-dos and beyond can definitely lead to a breakup of friendship so be understanding as much as possible.
2. "Remember that it's temporary. Though the stress is real, much of it will dissipate after the wedding. Accept the reality that your friend has to do what they need to do to get through it, and that things will settle down afterwards," Bejar says.
3. "Ask if you can help and check in. There are a lot of things to do when planning a wedding. From concrete tasks to just listening to someone vent. Offer to help, and ensure your offer feels genuine," Bejar says. Bejar mentions being genuine because the friend may have encountered dozens of people who say they're available to help, but don't mean it and, if they do, it has an expiration date. For those who aren't able to provide assistance and can only talk them through their planning woes, simply ask your friend specific questions about their wedding tasks so they know you've been listening. For example, "How's wedding planning going?" isn't as personal as "Is your mom still giving you a hard time about deciding who to invite? If she is, do you want me to talk to her?" (Pro tip: Read our guide on inviting difficult loved ones to a wedding before speaking with the aforementioned mother, you'll thank us later.)

Decide if this is a friendship you want to continue.

If you've been seriously considering using your wedding guest list tool and uninviting a wedding guest, formerly known as your best friend, to your wedding weekend or declining your friend's wedding invitation, you may be in some deep relationship turmoil. "There are certainly cases where relationships of any kind have and should come to an end. As I like to say, people come into our lives for reasons and/or seasons. Just because a friendship was once meaningful, does not mean that it should be a lifelong one. We can have gratitude for our relationships even if they are not forever ones," Bejar says of friendships breaking up.

Weddings can be a time of reflection for everyone and you may both realize that you need to learn how to move on from a friendship breakup without rekindling a postwedding friendship. Bejar asks her clients, "Is this a chance to improve and repair the relationship so that it can evolve with you in the next chapter? Or is it a chance to let it go, expressing gratitude for the reason and the season and then move on without it?"

Deciding if or how to end a relationship with a friend isn't easy, so Bejar says it's okay to postpone this decision until "after the wedding and its associated stress subsides." She continues, "It may be tempting to use your wedding date as a deadline to make this decision, however, the pressure you're under might lead to making a decision you regret later." We agree. Don't rush into ending a friendship over a wedding when the celebration is most likely not the problem and time could probably deescalate the issue.

Find comfort in friendship breakup media.

There are countless songs, movies, books and more about romantic relationships ending, but about adult friendship breakups? Don't worry, there are some of those too that navigate themes around why friendship breakups are so brutal. To help you take a break from the stress, check out these songs, books, movies and TV shows that'll make you laugh, cry or reflect about your friendship troubles.

Songs for Friendship Breakups:

• "Tell Me How" by Paramore
• "Cross You Out" by Charli XCX, Sky Ferreira
• "Bad Friend" by Rina Sawayama
• "I Lost a Friend" by FINNEAS
• "Bad Blood" by Taylor Swift
• "Friends That Break Your Heart" by James Blake

Friendship Breakup Books:

• Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend by Irene S. Levine
• When You Were Everything by Ashley Woodfolk
• The Friend Who Got Away: Twenty Women's True Life Tales of Friendships that Blew Up, Burned Out or Faded Away by Jenny Offill and Elissa Schappell
• First Love: Essays on Friendship by Lilly Dancyger
• The Other Significant Others: Reimagining Life with Friendship at the Center by Rhaina Cohen
• Some Mistakes Were Made by Kristin Dwyer

Movies About Friendship Breakups:

• Bride Wars (2009) This is the best example of when weddings ruin friendships.
• The Banshees of Inisherin (2022)
• Jennifer's Body (2009)
• The Social Network (2010)
• I Love You, Man (2008)
• Babes (2024)

TV Shows With Friendship Breakups:

• Insecure
• Gossip Girl
• Euphoria
• Stranger Things
• The Walking Dead
• Skins