Experts Share Their Top Tips to Compromise in a Relationship

Most people know that compromise in a relationship is necessary, but do they really understand what that means? It's not persuading your partner that your way is the right way, or giving in to your partner's wishes simply because it's the easier path to take. Instead, it's a healthy process of listening to each other, respecting each other's needs and coming to a conclusion that works for both parties.

"Genuine compromise in a relationship is a mutual agreement where both partners make space for each other's needs and requests even if that means meeting in the middle or managing expectations," explains therapist and relationship expert Alyssa Kushner, LCSW.

Want to learn more about how to compromise in a relationship, communicate with your partner more effectively and build a stronger union? Here's how the experts recommend couples learn to compromise and work toward a stronger relationship.

In this article:

• What Does Compromise Mean in a Relationship?
• Examples of Compromise in a Relationship
• What is Unhealthy Compromise in a Relationship?
• How to Compromise in a Relationship

What Does Compromise Mean in a Relationship?

Compromise is a two-way street, and it's essential if both partners are going to have an equal stake in the relationship. "Compromise requires both partners feeling seen, respected and emotionally safe, and a choice from one partner, rather than obligation or out of fear," Kushner explains.

This doesn't always come naturally—we all want to get our way! But learning how to compromise in a relationship is a collaborative process, where both partners listen to each other and aim to find the commonalities between what they both want and need.

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Part of this process includes thinking about where you're willing to compromise, and where you're not. This will look different for every person and every couple. Dr. Vassilia Binensztok, LMHC, NCC, and founder of Juno Counseling and Wellness, advises her clients to find compromise through The Gottman Method. "This calls for both people to compromise by making a list of inflexible and flexible areas," Binensztok says. "Inflexible areas include boundaries around safety and core needs, while flexible areas might include logistics or the way to accomplish a goal, like chores."

Examples of Compromise in a Relationship

Compromising in a relationship is a daily occurrence. You'll compromise over everything from splitting the bathroom in the morning to deciding who gets to watch what on TV each evening. There will be big compromises, like where you'll live and how you'll manage your home, and smaller ones that seem inconsequential but can lead to frequent arguments if you haven't learned how to work together effectively. Here are just a few of the ways you'll compromise in a relationship.

Splitting Household Responsibilities

Sharing chores is one of the unsexy realities of living together, and compromise is critical in making sure that no one bears the singular burden of running the household. Kushner suggests finding a compromise over splitting household responsibilities in a way that works for both of you. "Maybe one person handles most of the cooking or laundry while the other manages the bills or washing dishes," Kushner says. "As long as both partners feel the other is doing their fair share or if they are comfortable with how much they are taking on."

Making Social Plans

Opposites often attract, and it's not unusual for partners to find themselves at odds over how to balance social time with alone time with quality couple time. This is one of the major areas where couples have to learn to compromise. "One partner may be a bit more introverted, yet they agree to attend a few social gatherings while the extroverted partner agrees to more quiet nights in and saying no sometimes," Kushner explains.

Coordinating Daily Routines

Coordinating schedules is important if you two plan on spending time together. While one person might be an early worm and the other is a night owl, it's a good idea to find a level of compromise that allows you two to meet throughout the day. "Find compromise in daily routines or preferences, like sleep schedules, TV habits or how much alone time each person needs," Kushner says.

Splitting Holidays

One of the most contentious areas of compromise and relationships is splitting holiday celebrations. Most people come to a relationship with some idea of what they believe the holidays should look like, and they have strong memories and traditions that they want to carry into their next chapter. But merging your life with another person means accepting their traditions as well as making your own. Deciding how you'll split holidays is a compromise that can evolve over time, but both partners need to feel seen.

Deciding What a Family Looks Like

This is perhaps the biggest compromise that a couple will face in their relationship. One person may want one child; another person may want four. Finding a compromise between both partners' visions of a family is one that includes tough conversations, but it's non-negotiable to figure out a middle ground that works for both people.

What is Unhealthy Compromise in a Relationship?

Compromise isn't always easy to find and, in toxic relationships, unhealthy compromise can lead to resentment or worse. As Kushner explains, "Compromise does get confused with one-sided sacrifice when one person chronically gives in to 'keep the peace.' This isn't a healthy compromise—it can be self-abandonment."

She points out that compromise should never include betraying your values, identity, needs, boundaries or emotional safety. Examples of this could include staying silent to avoid conflict, people pleasing by saying yes even when it goes against your needs or desires, or forgoing boundaries simply to avoid disappointing a partner. "If a compromise leaves you feeling anxious, resentful or disconnected from yourself, it's not healthy," Kushner adds.

How to Compromise in a Relationship

Finding compromise in a relationship and learning how to compromise effectively is a lifelong process. It's one that a couple will work on over time, adjusting with each disagreement or decision that comes up. Some couples may find it's best to bring in a therapist to help guide them through, and here's what those experts might suggest.

Understand Your Needs in the Relationship

You can't find compromise in a relationship if you don't know what it is you actually need. Kushner explains that you have to be able to identify your needs, preferences, boundaries and values so you can communicate these effectively to your partner. "Get clear on these within yourself first, before thinking about it in the context of your relationship," Kushner says. "Then decide what you need to prioritize to feel safe and connected and what you can bend a little bit on for the relationship."

Find Balance in Compromise

Compromise will sometimes lean more toward the direction of one person's wants than the other, and that's okay. But the important part is making sure that it's not just one person being heard every time. "The key to compromise is making sure each person feels respected and like there is mutual compromise—not one person doing it way more frequently. It needs to feel balanced," Kushner says.

Focus on Respect

Compromise comes from treating your partner with respect and prioritizing a mutual agreement that makes you both feel heard. People just want to feel listened to and understood, and that comes with taking the time to prioritize a partner's needs, even if you can't always meet them. Kushner explains, "Resentment comes when a relationship is one-sided or one person's needs are chronically being neglected. Honor and validate each other's experiences and needs."

Let Compromise Evolve

A compromise today may look different tomorrow. People change and evolve, and so will their relationship. That means you have to approach compromise with openness rather than feeling as if a decision is finite. Kushner says, "Stay curious. Check in with each other after the compromise. How do you each feel? Is this respectful and sustainable? Do you feel connected and fulfilled?"

Appreciate Every Compromise

No one has to compromise. We choose to because we value our partner's well-being. That's why Kushner says, "Share your appreciation and gratitude for each other's compromise. For example, say, 'I so appreciate your willingness to come to the event tonight even though you are tired, I am happy to have a quiet night in tomorrow.'"

Put Yourself in Your Partner's Shoes

It's easier to compromise if you understand where your partner is coming from. Take the time to try to look at your partner's perspective and why they have certain needs or desires. Binensztok explains, "The key to compromise is learning why your partner's point of view is important to them. Understanding can help us work together rather than against each other."