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Updated Mar 06, 2025How to Choose Bridesmaids With No Regrets
Go by this guide to pick the right (wedding) party people.
Uneven sides. Sensitive second cousins. Dresses you can or can't shorten and wear again. There's much to consider when hashing out the details of your wedding party roles, and figuring out how to choose bridesmaids is likely one decision that makes your heart pound harder than it did during your recent proposal. It's rare to make such public and definite declarations of friendship, especially in this day and age, when the term "bestie" gets tossed around as frequently as wedding bouquets. For couples caught in the confusion of wedding party politics, we're here to equip you with the tools (and the courage) to guide you through the process of picking bridesmaids that stand the test of time. It's called a wedding party, after all.
In this article: How to Choose Bridesmaids | How to Communicate Upfront
How to Choose Bridesmaids
The best method when it comes to how to pick bridesmaids is likely the same one that brought you to your partner: follow your heart. Your bridesmaids shouldn't just be those you have the longest history with, but rather the people you're confident you can depend on today, tomorrow and for years to come. Let this step-by-step guide help lead you through how to choose your bridal party. And consider the queries below as an informal "how to pick bridesmaids" quiz.
Design: Tiana Crispino
1. Start Thinking Early
When it comes to when to ask your bridesmaids, you can wait until a minimum of eight months to pop the question (though, giving a heads up closer to a year out is better). But this is a decision that will impact all of your prewedding events, your personal relationships and, frankly, your sanity as you plan your wedding, so you'll want to give yourself a few months to meditate on your choice. A month or two after your engagement, start noodling on who you'd like to have by your side
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2. List Out All of the Meaningful People You Might Include (Not Just Women)
Take stock of meaningful friends and family members that might be good candidates for bridesmaids (or to be a bridesman/bridesperson—close male or non-binary pals should be in the running too). What's most important is that you include your favorite people, regardless of gender. Add any siblings or siblings in law to the list as well. Special family members like young cousins or nieces could make the list as possible junior bridesmaids.
Write this list out and, if you're really into visuals, categorize each person into a different bucket based on how you know them (one for college friends, another for childhood pals, a third for the wonderful bestie you met in a creative writing class as an adult, etc.). This method will help you envision who knows who and where your relationships are weighted in the timeline of your life. Don't feel pressure to open the inclusivity can of worms for any of the categories. If your aunt has two daughters but you're only close to one, there's no need to include the other in your list of potential bridesmaids unless you truly feel compelled to do so.
3. Set Your Expectations
Determine the level of involvement you'd like your bridesmaids to have in your wedding, as this will inform your choice of who you should pick as bridesmaids. While being in a wedding party shouldn't feel like a second job, there are some tasks and to-dos that every bridesmaid will have to tackle. If you have loved ones that are knee-deep in a graduate degree, live far out of state or are in a similarly all-consuming phase of life, they might not be the best choices if you hope to lean heavily on your bridal party for planning advice and wedding tasks. If you know someone like this, have an honest check-in chat and make it clear that they should be forthright with you if their bandwidth is limited. Because while you can definitely offer some leeway in terms of bridesmaid duties and bridesmaid expenses, other bridal party members will have to pick up the slack, which doesn't always feel fair.
4. Select Your Honor Attendant(s)
At this point, you'll likely have a clear view of the person that stands out as a maid of honor. Select your maid of honor first and it'll be easier to fill in the rest of your roster (because it gets one decision down and gives you someone you can lean on and ask: "How do you pick your bridesmaids?" If you're struggling between two people for the maid of honor role, choose both to be your right-hand women. Assign maid of honor duties equally and play to their strengths and interests.
5. Look at Your Relationship With Each Individual
Should you reciprocate a bridesmaid offer you received? Were you not in this person's wedding, but now you're as thick as thieves? Does this person genuinely lift you up? Look carefully at your relationship with each individual on your list of important people and highlight folks with these three qualities: dependability, longevity and supportiveness.
First off, every bridesmaid should be responsible enough to pull their own weight in the group to ensure all planning and organizing is divided evenly. (Assign your flaky, but beloved friend a less-intense role in the wedding.) Secondly, your bridal party should be made up of individuals you foresee being in your life for the next decade and beyond. Lastly, every bridesmaid should be a human that will make your wedding—and every day leading up to it—more special by bringing good vibes and providing emotional support when needed. Getting honest with yourself is essential when it comes to determining who is supposed to be a bridesmaid, especially if you're calculating how to pick between two potential bridesmaids.
6. Nail Your Number (and Be Flexible)
There's a reason choosing your final headcount number comes after all of the emotional introspection. Say it with us: The number of bridesmaids doesn't matter, so long as those standing beside you are the right people. An old-school rule of thumb: An event with under 60 guests could handle four bridesmaids, while a wedding with 150+ guests can accommodate 10 or so bridesmaids. Rules are meant to be broken, so only use them if it's helpful to have a benchmark.
Also, don't worry about the number of attendants your partner has on their side, an uneven wedding party is totally fine—don't put pressure on yourself to fill positions just to even things out. Our tip: Talk to your wedding photographer if you're worried about how your photos are going to look. If you do have an ideal number you really would like to stick to, use your wedding house party (this encompasses roles like ushers) to include other folks you can't fit in your bridal party.
7. Propose to Your Bridesmaids
Once you've finalized your crew, it's time to officially ask your loved ones to be your bridesmaids. Feeling a little extra? Peruse some bridesmaid proposal gift ideas, which can be as simple or as extravagant as you want. A heartfelt note also does the trick. No matter the method, your party people will be thrilled.
8. Craft Wedding Party Bios for Your Wedding Website
The final step in selecting your bridesmaids: making it wedding website official. Adding wedding website wedding party bios as you start your wedding website on The Knot is a sweet way to show off your people to your guests and get your bridesmaids excited for playing such a special role in your celebration.
How to Pick Bridesmaids When Your Friend Group Is Small
It's extremely common to have a small friend group as an adult. It's also common to feel like you have no friends you feel are close enough to be bridesmaids. Feel empowered to select one special friend, sibling or family member stand up there with you as a bridesmaid. You could also have your whole friend group as bridesmaids (butts in seats be damned) or forgo a bridal party and keep everyone as honored guests—whatever feels most natural to you. And just a PSA: Don't let photos of blowout bach parties or big color-coordinated wedding parties splashed across social media discourage you (easier said than done). Your wedding is about you and your partner, don't let anything distract from that.
How to Pick Bridesmaids When Your Friend Group Is Big
If your cup runneth over when it comes to bridesmaid options, your priority is likely to narrow down the bunch in a way that won't offend anyone. If you really can't choose between friends, have them all—it's your day and your choice. Otherwise, keep your wedding party small. While this may seem counterintuitive, it mostly prevents anyone from feeling left out. Plus, smaller wedding parties make it easier to schedule events like the bach party and bridal shower, since you won't be beholden to 15 different schedules. Perhaps pick one friend from each area of your life, or focus on one particular group such as childhood friends when choosing your bridesmaids.
How to Communicate With Your Bridesmaids Upfront
As you choose your bridesmaids, you'll be faced with some communication conundrums, like giving friends who aren't bridesmaids a heads up to ensure they don't assume they're included. Or posing questions for your bridesmaids like, "Do you genuinely feel comfortable with the financial and time commitment of being a member of my bridal party?" Keep the communication (and the good times) rolling between you and your wedding party with these top tips from Esther Lee—The Knot's Deputy Editor, a two-time maid of honor and a pro-level bridesmaid.
Be Honest About the Financial and Time Commitment
"Arguably, the biggest pitfalls I've seen couples fall into with their wedding parties are almost always related to personal spend," says Lee. "Be clear about the anticipated lift, whether that includes taking X amount of days off to attend your bach party or an incurred cost on international flights and libations for other activities. That's the nice thing to do."
Keep Your Heart Open During Any Miscommunications
"Communicating with clarity, kindness and a level of mutual respect (and care) will benefit the wedding party mentally," says Lee. "Talking things out with kindness and respect will take all parties far. (Psst: It also allows for the entire process to be all the more enjoyable.)"
Keep Your Friendships a Priority
"I liken successful communication to watering a plant. You'll want to use this time to 'water' your friends with kindness and care, throughout the entire experience," says Lee. The expert says wedding-party "proposal" gifts are a great gesture to make your party people feel special, but words of affirmation also go a long way, whether written in a personalized letter ahead of the festivities or a postwedding thank-you note. Referencing a letter she received from her best friend, Lee says: "It made me think about everything we'd experienced together—the good, the bad, the ugly and the glorious—and how meaningful it was for me to be by her side on her wedding day."
