What Is the Mental Load? Here's How to Share It With a Partner, According to Therapists

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Your brain is running nonstop—keeping track of the grocery list, paying bills, making doctor's appointments and the other things that keep a household running. Even if you're not physically doing every task, you're the one keeping it all in your head. This invisible juggling act has a name: mental load.

While it's often invisible, therapists say the mental load can really take a toll on your well-being and your relationship. The good news is it doesn't have to stay that way. Below, Joy Berkheimer, PhD, LMFT, a relationship therapist and sexologist, and Sanam Hafeez, a NYC neuropsychologist and director of Comprehend the Mind, share what is the mental load in a relationship, how to explain the mental load to your partner and how to share the mental load with your partner.

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In this article:

• What Is the Mental Load?
• How to Explain the Mental Load to a Partner
• How to Reduce the Mental Load

What Is the Mental Load?

In the context of a relationship, the mental load definition, Hafeez says, is the "stress, mental effort and other tolls associated with all of the planning, organizing and remembering required to maintain a household or partnership. It does not just mean physically doing these tasks, but the constant responsibility of remembering that they need to be done at all." In other words, for couples living together, sharing the mental load goes way beyond just sharing chores.

When the mental load falls mostly on one partner, it can feel like they are more of a manager than an equal partner in a relationship, Hafeez says, and this dynamic can quietly strain the relationship. Over time, she adds, this imbalance can leave them feeling unseen, unappreciated and emotionally drained, while the other partner may not even realize how much invisible work is happening—assuming things "just get done."

This gap in awareness often leads to arguments, resentment and even a loss of intimacy, as the overburdened partner may feel too depleted to connect emotionally or physically. "By talking about the mental load and dividing it up, both partners feel respected, appreciated and like they are part of a team," Hafeez says. "That is what allows partners to stay close instead of slipping into less equal roles."

Furthermore, it's worth noting that the mental load of women and the mental load of motherhood often go hand in hand, with one partner carrying the bulk of invisible planning, organizing and remembering that keeps everything running. Still, it's important to remember that the mental load in relationships isn't only a women's issue—anyone can feel the strain when responsibilities aren't shared fairly.

How to Explain the Mental Load to a Partner

Healthy communication is key in every relationship, especially as it relates to the mental load. So, how to talk to your partner about mental load relies heavily on vulnerability and honesty, Berkheimer says. Share how your past experiences or family habits shaped the way you see responsibilities. For example, you might say: "Growing up, I learned that managing everything was how I stayed safe. I realize now that this pattern is not serving us, and I want to heal it with you and share responsibilities in a healthy way."

Hafeez also emphasizes the importance of specificity when it comes to explaining the mental load to your partner. Instead of saying something like: "I carry the mental load in our relationship/home," actually spell out the details with specific examples.

"Framing it this way makes the invisible visible," Hafeez says. For example, you might say: "When we have a family dinner, I'm the one who remembers to purchase the gift, wrap it, account for everyone's food allergies and manage the timing. Even if you drive us there, I've already been thinking about this event for weeks."

Also, it's important to use "I" statements so it doesn't come off as if you're blaming your partner, Hafeez says. For instance, "I feel overwhelmed because I'm always thinking three steps ahead. I'd like us to share that responsibility more evenly."

Lastly, timing also matters. "Bring it up during a calm, neutral moment, not when you're already exhausted or upset," Hafeez adds.

How to Reduce the Mental Load

Reducing your mental load by sharing it with your partner can be done. It requires building habits and systems that make responsibilities feel more balanced. Here are five actionable steps you can take to fairly split up the mental load in your relationship.

Check in With Yourself

A key first step in sharing the mental load with your partner is taking a step back and asking yourself why you're carrying so much of the mental load, Berkheimer says. Is it out of habit, fearing things won't get done, or rooted in survival or other outdated patterns? From there, she suggests reframing responsibilities not as "your job" but as shared acts of care. This mindset makes it easier to create new, fairer agreements with your partner.

Give Full Ownership Instead of Splitting Tasks

One simple way to ease the mental load is for each partner to take full ownership of specific areas, rather than both weighing in and adding extra stress. "This allows each partner to have clear domains where they have authority over a process from beginning to end," Hafeez says.

For example, one person might handle everything related to groceries—keeping track of what's running low, planning the list and doing the shopping—while the other takes charge of paying bills or managing a budget.

Use a Shared Tracking System

"Mental load grows when only one person keeps the invisible checklist in their head," Hafeez says. An easy solution? Sharing your calendar or a weekly list that's easy for both partners to access and track. "This way, one partner doesn't have to play the role of 'task manager' while the other waits to be told what to do," she says. "When the system carries the reminders, the pressure eases, and it's easier to step in without prompting."

Have Weekly Check-Ins

Life moves and changes quickly, and so do our responsibilities. For this reason, Hafeez recommends having weekly check-ins with your partner to see what feels overwhelming at the moment and how you can rebalance tasks to help reduce the mental load. This also helps keep things fair, prevents resentment from building, and reinforces the idea that you're on the same team and not keeping score, she adds.

During these regular discussions, Berkheimer says it's important to listen without judgment and work together to find ways to share responsibilities so neither of you feels overloaded. "Remember, true partnership is about supporting each other's healing as well as daily responsibilities," she says.

Enlist Outside Support

If needed, Berkheimer also suggests investing in therapy or joining support groups or healing circles, which can help both partners break old habits, understand each other better and build healthier ways to share responsibilities. "When both partners engage in this process, it fosters empathy, compassion, and shared accountability both in healing individually and in creating a balanced partnership and responsibilities," she says.