Matching Energy With Your Partner & How to Navigate a Mismatch

Scrolling through TikTok or Instagram, you might see a caption or two like, "Is somebody gonna match my freak?" or "This and someone to match my energy." And whether you're partnered or looking for your perfect duo, the sentiment rings true—we all want someone we can find matching energy with.

"Matching energy means meeting each other genuinely in each other's emotional states," Rachel Kahoopii, a dating and relationship coach, says. When you can match energy, chances are you'll find a healthy relationship, deeper romantic compatibility, a way to support your partner and, if you're really aligned, even a better path for conflict resolution. With the expertise of Kahoopii, we help you discover matching energy in relationships, how to spot it and even the pros and cons of it, below.

In this article:

• What Does Matching Energy Mean?
• Should You Always Match Your Partner's Energy?
• How to Navigate Mismatched Energy

What Does Matching Energy Mean?

Yes, matching your partner's energy can be a good thing. But what does a matching energy meaning really look like? What does it mean if your lover matches your energy and you do the same?

According to Kahoopii, energy matching can take different shapes, like when one person is really excited about something—say, a win at work—and the other is enthused and happy for them. Or the opposite, too (opposites attract, right?). "When one person is sad about a friendship issue, the other empathizes by listening and mirroring their sadness," she explains.

Should You Always Match Your Partner's Energy?

Sounds great, right? But should you always expect matched energy from your partner or even yourself in a romantic relationship? Well, the quick answer is no.

"People should not expect themselves or others to match energy all the time," Kahoopii says. "It is really validating and comforting for our energy to be matched, but sometimes, our partner just isn't able to be there with us. They have an entire inner world of their own that is just as rich as ours is."

You and your partner can strive to match energy, but if it doesn't happen 100% of the time, don't beat yourself up about it (you're only human after all!). Just do what you can when you can—and they'll love and appreciate your matched energy when it comes.

Pros and Cons of Matching Energy

Energy matching isn't just positive, though. Like anything, it has its own pros and cons, too. According to Kahoopii, here are some to consider.

Pros of Matching Energy

Matching energy can increase feelings of connection between partners. When you're both matching each other energetically, you'll feel closer and can even develop a closer bond. You're each other's cheerleader!

It can also lead to validated emotional experiences. For example, if you're sad and your partner holds and matches your energy to lift you up, you'll likely feel more validated.

Cons of Matching Energy

It can lead to co-dependency in some cases. Codependents—either grasping for emotional attunement or constantly attuning to others to our detriment—is a coping mechanism for relational trauma. Pressure to match your energy can lead to this.

---

FOR YOU

134 Cute & Funny Instagram Captions for Couples

No caption? No problem: We've got plenty of ideas right here.

125 Relationship Quotes to Put Your Love Into Words

These sweet sayings will conjure up serious relationship goals.

135 Love Quotes for Him That Speak to Any Occassion

Let your main squeeze know how much he means to you.

"Emotional attunement in our early years gives us confidence with feeling and expressing emotions," Kahoopii explains. "If we didn't receive emotional attunement as children, we can grasp at our romantic partners to give it to us as adults. This often leads to codependence, conflict and criticism."

Alternatively, though, she adds that if we grew up in a home where we needed to be the ones attuning to emotional energy—common in abusive households or ones with an emotionally immature, dependent parent—we might energy match automatically, causing us to disappear in someone else's experiences. This is often accompanied by putting others' needs ahead of our own, and eventually leads to intense dissatisfaction and burnout in relationships.

How to Navigate Mismatched Energy

"When we find ourselves mismatched in energy, see it first as an opportunity instead of an obstacle," Kahoopii says. "Getting curious instead of judging the situation as bad can yield so much growth and connection." If you're finding you can't match their energy, or they can't match your energy, all is not lost. You can navigate that, too.

Recognize why you're upset about mismatched energy.

When we're upset by an energy mismatch, it's a sign that there's something deeper going on. According to Kahoopii, she recommends asking ourselves some questions.

• What did it feel like to experience the energy mismatch?
• What outcome were you hoping for? How would that have felt?
• What does your mind tell you it means about you to not have your energy matched? What kind of person isn't met emotionally?
• Is this a pattern from many of my romantic relationships? Does this reflect the relationship I have with a parent?

Determine if this is a pattern for you.

"If this is a larger pattern in all of our relationships, it's worth digging deeper into this with a coach or therapist," she explains. "We'll keep creating relationships that repeat the pattern until we see our conditioning clearly and consciously create something new."

Check in on whether you're triggered.

Sometimes our partner (or even ourselves) is triggered by our emotions. If you're feeling triggered and it's leading to mismatched energy, pay attention to the why. Remember: Triggers are unconscious, so instead of judging them, Kahoopii recommends getting curious about them. "It's not our job to change or fix our partner's emotions, but not taking their triggers personally helps us maintain connection," she explains.

Ask if this is a one-off or a pattern.

Are you dealing with a matched energy mishap? Ask yourself if it's a one-off situation or a pattern in your relationship. "If this is a one-off situation, or if we know that our partner is really stressed or distracted about something going on in their life, it's okay to observe that it's happening without attaching a larger meaning to it. Sometimes one partner needs more support for a time," Kahoopii says. But on the other hand, if it's a pattern in this relationship, that's also worth digging deeper into.

Check on your partner's mental health.

If you're consistently seeing that your partner can't match your energy, try checking in on their mental health. Maybe they are going through something—like anxiety or depression—that is keeping them from being able to join you in your happy, go-lucky energy.

"Depression doesn't look like crying a lot, so we can miss when our partner is suffering from it," Kahoopii reminds us. "It can look like emotional numbness, not enjoying things they used to enjoy, and numbing behaviors. If you suspect your partner may be depressed, encourage them to find support and get support for yourself."