Here's What You Need to Know About Planning for a Wedding vs. a Marriage

From the minute you get engaged, it's easy to get caught up in the social media version of getting married. You bookmark all the most beautiful venues, lust over gorgeous wedding day attire and spend evenings going over menu options and color palettes with your spouse-to-be. Here at The Knot, we obviously fully support all of these wedding daydreams.

But it's important to remember that there is a difference between a wedding versus marriage, and you need to take the time to intentionally prepare for both. For every hour that you spend choosing table linens, you should spend the same time discussing your dreams for the future and how you hope to build a life together that you're both excited by.

The Difference Between a Wedding and Marriage

"Your wedding is one day—marriage is hopefully a lifetime," says Rachelle Heinemann, a licensed mental health counselor (LMHC). "The honeymoon period fades for everyone and your wedding becomes a memory. Your relationship is what you live with every day."

With each passing wedding anniversary, you'll look back on your big day with fond memories, but you and your spouse will live hundreds and thousands of days together after, making many more memories throughout your years of marriage that will rival and exceed the celebrations, toasts and parties that occurred over your wedding weekend.

"A wedding, while an important component of celebrating a marriage, is simply an event," adds Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) and board-certified art therapist (ATR-BC). "It's one day full of laughter, love and celebration and then, like every day, it ends. A marriage, on the other hand, for most couples means committing to a relationship that they hope will last a lifetime. It means fully investing in a partnership and working together to build a life and a home."

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Both a wedding and a marriage are important—one is a marker, the other is a decision to build a life together. Both require planning, preparation, and intention. Here's how to set yourself up for success.

Planning for a Wedding Day

Preparing for your wedding day is what many of us think of when we say, "Yes!" It could mean working with a wedding planner, mulling over a destination wedding, considering an elopement, choosing an officiant or tasting wedding cake. It's all those giddy decisions that are new and novel—but that doesn't mean they're frivolous.

Planning a wedding is a big step for a duo. It marks the choice they're making to enter into life together as a married couple. All those fun pieces that make up a wedding celebration are symbols and they should be taken as seriously or as light-heartedly as the couple chooses. That being said, there's one critical element that means so much more.

Gabrielle Usatynski, MA LPC, advises couples not to discount the significance of the actual wedding ceremony and its symbolism as they say their vows. "Many couples overlook the importance of a meaningful ceremony to mark the beginning of their life as a couple." Planning your actual marriage ceremony—and making promises as you exchange vows—will bring you even closer together, so keep this in mind as you go through the planning process.

Planning for Marriage

A marriage, on the other hand, requires higher stakes preparation because there's a formality to the process that has official implications. For a legal marriage, you need to obtain a marriage license at City Hall or a county clerk's office. This will require basic personal data from both of you, including identification, a birth certificate or a social security card. Additionally, in the case of some destination weddings abroad, you may need to book a civil ceremony at the courthouse to make things official before you depart.

Setting Yourselves Up for a Happy Wedding Day

Once all the planning is done, the best thing you can do to set yourself up for a happy wedding day is to relax. Real weddings don't always look like the ones you've seen on Instagram. There are silly moments and frustrating moments and they're all just part of the experience. "The wedding is just the beginning of something special and, to avoid having a stressful engagement and wedding, it's important to manage expectations," says Heinemann. "Know that the day won't be perfect and that's okay."

Additionally, Lurie advises couples to take care of themselves during the wedding planning process. It's not all excitement and fun—there can be stressors that should be taken into account, particularly as couples navigate new in-laws, multiple opinions and expensive decisions. "Preparing for a wedding can be a challenging process," she says. "There may be financial concerns, familial and cultural expectations, as well as heightened emotions, all of which can play a part in making wedding prep stressful and taxing. Most couples are understandably in need of support during this time."

Ultimately, while your dream wedding may be one of the happiest days of your life, know that it's just one day and it's all part of a wonderful celebration of what's to come.

Setting Yourselves Up for a Happy Marriage

When it comes to planning for the many happy years of marriage ahead of you, where do we start? Many couples choose to do pre-marital counseling, whether through a religious leader or a family and marriage therapist. The conversations in these sessions can help guide you and your partner through key issues you need to discuss before walking down the aisle. Additionally, there are many pre-marital books that come highly recommended by experts and other couples alike.

"Couples who are focused on their marriage are both on the same page about what they want in their future," says Ana De La Cruz, LMFT. "Their focus is on the house they will buy, on whether they want children and what type of parents they want to be, how they want to spend their afternoons together and the trips and adventures they want to take. The wedding is just the first step."

"Your relationship won't be all sunshine and roses and that's okay," Heinemann adds. "That's actually the point. A relationship is built on rupture and repair. Trust is deepened by your ability to support each other no matter what. Be open, share your feelings, and encourage your partner to do the same with you."

If you hope to celebrate many happy marriage anniversaries to come, then both your wedding day and your marriage are important. But, remember, neither may be perfect—and that's okay. What matters is going into it intentionally and being excited to marry your person.