Meet the New 'It' Girl of Planning: Deconstructed Weddings

It used to be the engagement followed by the wedding. The bach party and bridal shower were held somewhere along the way, along with the rehearsal dinner as etiquette for select loved ones. After a sparkler exit and a "Just Married" sign on a getaway car, the couple hopped on a plane for the honeymoon. While much of this still holds true, the traditional wedding event timeline is being slowly unraveled or, rather, deconstructed by trendy couples looking to ditch the standard model of events in favor of something more bespoke.

In molecular gastronomy, chefs who specialize in this form of culinary art prepare tasting menus that combine the same ingredients in a typical dish, but presented and cobbled together in an unexpected way. That's the kind of thing we're seeing with modern wedding timelines. To-be-weds who want the added experience of hyper-personalized weddings may find that reordering the "when" makes for a sparkling twist on tradition. Enter the deconstructed wedding.

Defining the Deconstructed Wedding

Deconstructed Wedding (n.) A wedding that doesn't follow the traditional logic of chronological order. When couples go this route, they would rather take the typical order of nuptials and sprinkle them across the typical 15-month period of engagement. Often, eloping and marrying in a more intimate setting, followed by a reception. "It can all be in the same night or spread over a couple days, heck even in different cities, but what really defines this format is the different locations and segmented guest lists," says wedding planner Annie Lee of Daughter of Design and Plannie.

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Kamarin Ann Photo

,Priscila and David Nunez hosted their own vow renewal after a larger wedding celebration to keep their moment intimate. The venue of choice? Taft Peak in Yosemite National Park.

Let's start with the reception: This isn't going anywhere. In fact, The Knot 2023 Real Weddings Study found that one of the most consistent traditions in weddings deals with the order of the day: a ceremony, followed by cocktail hour, and a reception. Eighty-five percent of all respondents (out of 10,000) said this was their approach. Throwing a big celebration with loved ones is part of the wedding experience. Your love is worth celebrating before the witnesses who've made you. Yet some couples are looking to distinguish the wedding events, either by eloping or marrying before a more intimate set of loved ones. Then, they'll host a crowd-filled rager.

"Often it [starts with] a tiny gathering in a city hall or church. Right now, I would say about 70% of my couples are doing that," says Tanya Pushkine, officiant and founder of The Vow Whisperer in New York. "I work with several hundred couples a year officiating, assisting with their vows or coaching their friends to marry them, so I get a nice cross-section of people. When the conversation goes to the logistics of signing the marriage license, many say, 'Oh, we're already married, or we're getting married the week before.'"

Lee says a few of her clients have gone the deconstructed route. (In fact, credit goes to her for popularizing the clever term.) "The deconstructed wedding takes the components of the typical wedding weekend—rehearsal dinner, ceremony, cocktail hour, dinner, dancing, after-party—and mixes and matches them over a few events," says Lee. "To me it's like instead of going to a restaurant that has everything on one menu, you can go to a spot that specializes in a particular style of cuisine. Having an intimate family dinner followed by an all-out party helps segment those vibes. Also, it helps to divide a guest list. Grandma and your parents' friends want to go to the ceremony and a beautiful dinner, while your friends want to dance until 2 am."

How Real Couples Are Planning Deconstructed Weddings

Take, for example, Bianca Nikic and Llobol Alonso, who felt the tension between wanting an intimate ceremony and throwing a blowout disco-themed reception. "We were set ondoing an intimate elopement with just our parents and siblings," says Nikic, one of Lee's clients. "While planning, we got super far from our initial vision of something nontraditional and low-key, and ended up feeling lost. Then it sparked for us: We could go entirely our own route and structure the celebrations in a way that felt true to us, while still having everyone we love be part of it?"

Their version was dividing the wedding, including venue swaps, outfit changes, and opposite event styles. They held the first event at Klaw at the historic Miami Women's Club, where the bride wore a more traditional two-piece custom gown from Chernaya Bridal House.

"We split it into an intimate ceremony and dinner with our closest family," says Nikic. "Then, we pulled a 180," Nikic says. She changed into a metallic gold crochet dress by Ammi that was bedazzled with gemstones. Within the same building, the group made their way to the Eagle Room for a Studio 54–themed disco dance party with a guest list that included friends only. "Keeping the first part of the night super small made it even more special," says Nikic. "Plus, I felt slightly better about hysterically crying during my vows in a room full of 50 guests, rather than 150 people. With the ceremony out of the way, we were able to go wild and be fully present, while having a ton of fun."

Lee says that couples often want to have a big party with all their friends, including those who wouldn't normally make the cut at a standard reception. "You have to factor in family and family friends to the limited capacity of a venue. It's then a bit tacky to invite more friends to crash the wedding at the end of the night to party. But what if there was a whole designated event for dancing? That feels more appropriate and thoughtful. And of course, the party night dress can be super fashionable and sexy since your dad's golfbuddies aren't there and it's just your friends."

The top US market for elopements, Las Vegas, welcomes an influx of couples each year across its chapels, scenic lookout points and luxury hotels. Often, those who work weddings in Vegas find thatcouples want to steal away to have a moment to themselves—along with the occasional Elvis—to celebrate in a fun environment. "Couples who elope before their larger wedding often value the privacy and intimacy; they also see it as an opportunity to create a special moment just for them. It's a way to celebrate their love in a personal and meaningful way, without the distractions and [wedding planning] stress of a big event," says Daniella Cracco, manager of special events at Bellagio Resort & Casino. "Many couples choose to elope in Vegas for its romance and excitement, and then they celebrate with a larger wedding or reception in their hometown or another destination. Vegas offers spontaneity and glamour."

Brandon Reed, owner and general manager at Bliss Wedding Chapel in Sin City, says there are plenty of reasons behind the deconstructed wedding movement. "By making plans, they've greatly eliminated the stress and frustration of planning a wedding," he says. "Family dynamics are sometimes complicated. A lot of couples come to Vegas by themselves to avoid the drama of an awkward reunion of family or friends. In some cases, bringing a family together en masse is like throwing gasoline on kindling. It's just one more thing they have to think about."

Vegas isn't the only destination for elopements. Some couples are making their deconstructed weddings a global experience. Take, for example, Utah-based couple Steven and Saba Eslami. They married in a civil ceremony stateside four years prior to their wedding reception. Missing a key part of the wedding experience, the couple ventured abroad for a reception planned by Olivia Buckley International.

Lima Conlon Photography

,The Eslamis hosted a surprise deconstructed wedding reception at Ashford Castle in Ireland.

Lima Conlon Photography

,Olivia Buckley International orchestrated a grand ceremony and reception, all a surprise to guests, for the Eslamis, who married four years prior.

"Since we were already married, the wedding was as much about celebrating our love for our family and friends as it was for each other," says Saba. "We tried to design every detail through the lens of our guests. We even kept the venue itself a secret. Fortunately, our guests trusted us and were willing to sign up to attend a wedding at an 'undisclosed location.'"

That location was the historic Ashford Castle near Galway, Ireland, where their reception brought to life their cultural backgrounds and vision for a grand party (and gave guests an incredible surprise). "It [showcased] the warmth of our Iranian, Irish and American cultures and shared values in a way we could have never imagined," Saba says.

Like other couples who've done it, the Eslamis are now big proponents of the deconstructed timeline. "Having already been married for four years, it took the pressure off," they say. "It let us focus on the importance and meaning of our official marriage ceremony and then, separately, a big party for family and friends."

So there you have it: The deconstructed wedding is yet another player in the US wedding scene. The shyer or more private types may want to savor a moment for themselves. Of course, there's the first look, the first dance and so many one-on-one moments of connection, but for those craving more, this is yet another option. "Couples say that by segmenting their guest list between the different events, it helped them have more quality time with their guests," says Lee. "They get to have conversations with aunts and dad's coworker that otherwise they might have rushed through because their best friend is taking them to the bar."

When it comes to every other portion of wedding planning—albeit the bach party or bridal shower—most couples and guests tend to outwardly document these prewedding festivities. But in a world that is constantly scrutinized by the public or on social media, a deconstructed wedding (be it at a beloved local venue, a Vegas chapel or an exotic location) can belong to just the couple or a limited set of loved ones. It can be yours to keep—for life.

A version of this article will be printed in the Winter 2024 issue of The Knot Magazine.