Exactly Who to Invite to Your Wedding, According to a Planner

Deciding who to invite to your wedding is likely one of the first big tasks you'll encounter when starting the planning process. And it's a biggie for sure. The number of people you invite will impact your venue selection, wedding style and most importantly, your budget. The more guests you invite, the more you'll likely spend, so it's not a decision to be taken lightly. If you're staring down a blank guest list doc, we're here to help you get started. We talked to wedding planner Laetitia "LT" Townson of House of BASH in Atlanta to give you the full rundown on how to decide who to invite to your wedding. And don't forget to check out The Knot Guest List Manager, a free tool to help you keep your crew organized.

In this article:

• How to Decide Who to Invite to Your Wedding
• Who Invites Guests to a Wedding?
• Who to Invite to Your Wedding
• Who to Invite to a Small Wedding
• Who Not to Invite to Your Wedding

How to Decide Who to Invite to Your Wedding

While the average wedding guest list size in the U.S. is 117 guests, your target number may be far more or less than that. There are two schools of thought when it comes to figuring out how many guests to invite to your wedding. Do you choose your venue first, and base your guest count on the venue's capacity, or create a guest list and then choose your venue based on that number? We typically recommend the latter—it's hard to know how many guests you'll invite until you put pen to paper (or fingers to keys), and you don't want to fall in love with a venue that can't fit all of your loved ones.

If you're not sure where to start, Townson recommends sitting down with your partner and other stakeholders and writing down a list of family, friends, colleagues, etc (see the groupings below). "Then, divide your list into three categories: most important, so-so and not important," she says. You can use these groupings to trim down your list as needed.

Who Invites Guests to a Wedding?

It's a saying we use a lot around here: "Anyone who pays, gets a say." So if your family or your partner's family are contributing financially to the wedding, they should be able to provide input into the guest list. There are a few ways to accomplish this: Some couples come up with a target guest count, and then divide that into thirds—one third for the couple's friends and loved ones, a third for one partner's family to invite whomever they want and a third for the other partner's family to do the same. Other couples split their target guest count 50/50, with each partner working in tandem with their family to create their part of the list. Of course, it's possible that one partner has a much bigger family than the other. If one partner's family would like to invite more guests than the other, they will likely need to shoulder the cost of the additional people.

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When it comes to dealing with parental input, Townson has one important piece of advice: "Couples need to make rules and set boundaries, draw a line and stick to it," she says. "You can disagree privately about the guest list, but you have to put on a united front so when someone comes to you, you stick to what you talked about. Parents and family members may not agree with you but it's essential to set boundaries."

Another etiquette "rule": Those who are paying for the wedding (typically the couple's parents) should get their names listed on the invitations as hosts. Traditionally, the bride's parents are the ones who "send" the wedding invitations, meaning they have their return address on the envelopes and RSVPs are sent to them. However, nowadays more couples are sending the invitations and receiving RSVPs (or doing online RSVP to make the process even easier!).

Who to Invite to Your Wedding

When it comes to figuring out who to invite to your wedding, it's a good idea to put your friends and family members into groups based on your relationships with them. Think of it like concentric "circles of trust" à la the movie Meet the Parents. Your inner circle are those closest to you, and as you move outward, you get to people who are less essential to the guest list.

Some couples set ground rules for their guest list, such as only inviting people who they have seen in person or talked to on the phone in the last year. If that works for you, go for it. But if you think there will be too many exceptions to the rules, you may have to look at each potential guest on a case-by-case basis.

Here's a rundown of the different groups of people you'll want to consider inviting:

Immediate Family

In all cases, parents, siblings and grandparents are considered immediate family and should be at the top of your guest list—as are your own children. If you have stepparents, step siblings or half-siblings, they are included here, too.

Best Friends and Chosen Family

Your closest friends and chosen family are also on the must-invite list. These loved ones may be included in your wedding party.

Close Relatives

Once you've added your VIPs to the list, it's time to move on to close family like aunts, uncles and first cousins. Depending on the number of relatives, your relationship to them and the desired size of your wedding, you may invite all of these relatives or some of them.

Family Friends

Your family friends are the people who watched you grow up, and if you're still in touch with them, may receive a place on your wedding guest list.

Friends

This is a pretty general and wide-reaching grouping, as you likely have friends from different parts of your life: childhood, school, sports, work, clubs, social or religious groups and more. Your best bet is to only add friends who you're still in touch with now.

Distant Relatives

You probably have some relatives who you see once every few years. If you enjoy their company and think they will add to your day, feel free to invite them. But if you're not close, they shouldn't make the cut.

Acquaintances

Acquaintances like social media contacts, former colleagues, neighbors you don't know well, etc. don't make the guest list. Of course if you're having a huge, no-holds-barred wedding and inviting everyone you've ever met (and have the budget for it!), you may want to include them.

Plus-Ones

The great plus-one debate is always a tricky subject, but in short, anyone who is in a serious relationship (engaged, married, living together, dating for over a year) should be invited with a plus-one, whether you know the partner well or not. If you want to allow all of your single guests to bring a date (and can afford it), go for it—but this is not required.

Kids

People have very mixed opinions on inviting kids to weddings. Some think they bring a sense of fun to the day, while others think they are loud and distracting. Whatever you decide, we recommend making a rule and sticking to it—no exceptions. And yes, you are allowed to only invite children who are in the wedding party (flower girls, ring bearers, etc.) and not others.

Who to Invite to a Small Wedding

If you're having a small wedding, deciding who to invite may be harder—or much easier, depending on how you look at it. The guest groupings above may be helpful as you start your guest list. If you're having a micro wedding, you might only invite immediate family and best friends. But if you're having something a little bigger, you might expand that to include close family and friends. It really all depends on the vibe you're going for and who you want to be present.

Another option that Townson is seeing a lot these days is inviting only immediate family and closest friends to the ceremony, but expanding the guest list for the reception. This is a great solution if you want an intimate, private wedding but a lot of people you "must" invite.

Who Not to Invite to Your Wedding

Just as essential as figuring out who to invite to your wedding, is knowing who not to invite. This may mean having some tricky conversations but, as Townson says: "Everyone on your guest list should bring you happiness, who have seen your journey as a couple and will be there to see you grow. It's not worth inviting people who will cause you stress, or who you don't know well."

Here's a rundown of people that shouldn't make the cut.

Coworkers Who Aren't Friends

If you have coworkers whom you consider friends and hang out with outside of working hours, by all means invite them . But you don't have to invite those who you only see on Zoom or at the water cooler.

Estranged Family

It's always difficult and upsetting to have strained relationships with family members. Your wedding is about you and your partner, and not the place to stir up old disagreements or family tension.

Exes

Awkward! Unless you and your partner are both friends with your exes and your past relationships are water under the bridge, we don't recommend inviting an ex to your wedding.

People Who Invited You to Their Wedding But You're No Longer Friends

If a friend invited you to their wedding years ago and you're no longer close, you don't have to reciprocate.